Our IVF consult appointment got pushed back till next week. By me. On purpose. To save time. Rather than go in twice; once for the consult and the next for the baseline ultrasound, I pushed it back a week to combine them into one.  So, Wednesday, August 1st we will go back and get the plan for what's coming up next.

Hoping that my ovaries have quieted down to normal so we can begin without delay. 

How am I feeling?

My feelings are all over the place.

A person I work with stopped by last week to tell me someone we both know is expecting a baby and how 'I would be next.' My office had two other people in it, and it was just not the right time. I smiled and 'shelved it.' Then, as I was riding home and reviewing my day in my head I started to cry. Ugh. I am happy for her. I know it will be me. But I wish it was me now. 

I remember doing our first IUI and of course, mapping out, if it worked, when we would be due.  Then, we found out it didn't work the same time a woman at our church, about my age, announced she was expecting. I was happy for her.  It stung though seeing her pregnancy mature and knowing that I thought, hoped I would be at the same stage.  That was over two years ago.  

This girl that me and this guy from work both know, got pregnant the same time we would have been at if this past IVF had worked.  It seems obvious that other people, especially around my same age of child-bearing years, will get pregnant routinely and I should expect it.  I guess I don't because it jolts me in the pit of stomach every time. 

This past week, at choir practice for which I am the director, one of our members brought up a coke on stage. I asked her kindly to remove it and she said 'she needed it because could not stand the taste of her own saliva.' I got the hint then celebrated with her that she was expecting her third child. It would be the only courteous thing to do, as the director, to announce it to the group as she permitted me.  When I got up, I said that 'she was expecting!'  Everything became a blur as everyone turned toward her and let out a squeal of some kind except the ones who know of our pain. 

They looked back at me. Their eyes telling me they were proud of me. 

Later in practice as I was speaking of God's faithfulness and expressing it in a particular song, I just about lost it. I could have broken down in the ugly cry right then.  Giving the announcement, then singing about God's promises just about broke me down. Not in a sad way. Just in a 'He is carrying Travis and I through this' kind of way.  

I feel anxious.  Touchy.  Emotional.  I really want to hear my Nana's voice telling me 'I'm praying for you honey.  I want you to know I pray for you every morning.'  I hope she still is bringing me up before God in heaven because we need it.  

We are not doing a whole lot right now except waiting which is why I feel so anxious.  God loves me through my anxiousness and that is just surface feelings.  The root is I believe and will always worship God because He is good and has good plans for us. So good, that all this pain will be a distant memory.