The news we received a little over a week ago has taken center stage in our world.  It doesn't end here.  We move forward because the alternative is not an option.

This week, we sat down with our fertility doctor and saw for the first time, my abnormal eggs. They were pitiful. I felt bad for whoever they belonged.  My name and date of birth tattooed on each picture.  "Those dark shadowed spots, is where the egg is dead," she said. My eggs were partially dead. The lining of the eggs were squiggled and sporadic.  It felt in a way good to see the pictures because it was proof and closure.

Faith:  I wish I could say, I am ready to press on with all strength and determination as ever but that is not true.  We are taking it one day at a time, trying not to be saddened by the length of days still ahead of us.    One thing we know for sure and has never been questioned is if God is doing this to us.  He is clear in the Bible that He brings life, is 100% good and wants the best for us. We can rest knowing He promises to bring us through it.

"Yea, tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me."

I didn't purposefully open up to read the twenty-third Psalm this morning.  But as I did, it read, "even though your eggs are partially dead, do not fear because I am with you."

God does not ask us to have big faith. That's good because lately mine has felt shallow. He says that if we have faith as small as a mustard seed and do not doubt, that anything will be possible. We believe and do not doubt that God is going to make something beautiful out of this craziness. We are not shouting amen or jumping up and down.  In our deepest hearts we have a knowing.

Hope:  Yesterday, my doctor called to tell me one of her colleagues suggested a  rare follicle rupture disorder.  Basically, it tells my body I ovulated but I don't.  The description profiles my case almost exactly.  Because it is so rare, there is very little information on it, and I do not even have enough to share with you that would make sense. There are other factors, like my general health that we are re-assessing as well. This upcoming week I will be contacting a specialist with USF to run a panel of tests.  Assessing if the past six years of my health; endometriosis, bursitis in both my shoulders, digestive health/food sensitivities, and now infertility point to something else that we can address before moving on.


Love:  Travis has shown me such fierce love!  I can easily stand in awe of his support and tenderness.  It is more than any fairy tail could shake a stick at. I am so thankful he is my husband!

"...but the greatest of these is love."

Thankful for God's love carrying us.

More to come...

This weekend was easily the worst ever!
I woke up in the middle of the night on Friday, realizing it was not a dream. This nightmare was real. I started sobbing. Travis rolled over and held me. Reality hit. Hard.  Tears flowed. Screamed. Prayed. Cried. Cried. and cried. The ugly, from my belly, silent sobbing kind of crying.  My eyes stung. I kept my cellphone close because the text messages from friends and family were comforting. Thank you!

Fast forward to today. Happy to go to work and get out of the sad house.

The two embryos never grew past where they started on Friday.

After giving me that news, my doctor and I spoke more about the information she had gathered from the embryologist.  Well, let me give you the good news first. The good news is, my uterus is young, I am able to ovulate (although early they are able to control it), and the egg and the sperm are able to connect. The bad news is my eggs were missing key components developed in stage 3 of maturity. Stage 4 is fertilization. Stage 3 happens just before ovulation and is pivital to their health.  This makes sense. I stimulate well. Meaning, I can produce lots of follicles with eggs. However, because they do not have these attributes of Stage 3, they have diagnosed me with an unofficial name of a metabolic ovulation disorder.

It is extremely rare. Shocker.

They do not know how to fix it. Frustrating.

My doctor is dedicating to researching it and getting back with me. Great. (said in non-emotional voice)

I called Travis and told him.  I asked how he felt about it and he said 'numb.'  I probably feel that too. My tears, our tears, this weekend were for not getting pregnant this cycle, going through all the efforts again, to get devastating news, and having a more complicated and possibly hopeless problem we did not see coming.  The news today did not change that.

We have a meeting with the IVF doctor and the lead embryologist on Wednesday at 11 a.m.

We will see pictures of my eggs, get more clinical information on what happened, and hear them explain all over again how they have never seen it before bla bla bla.

My doctor told me not to expect them to have answers as to why or how to fix it.  That will take time.

In speaking with my friend Rachel today, I am going to take her advice and get the report in writing.  Then, contact a well-known clinic in Colorado who deals with the rare cases and see what they suggest.

I am dealing with a local clinic.  Although I appreciate her tenacity and compassion my doctor can only know so much. Going to a place like the 'Mayo' of infertility in Colorado, may give us more answers.

Do you know what I am thinking?  How sucky the holidays are going to be.  How we are going to pass those marks again of 'next year we thought we would be pregnant by now.' Sad.  Should be used to it now.

I say this in the nicest way possible.  Giving plenty of notice for Thanksgiving and Christmas which look like will be very difficult.  You may want us to cheer up around the holidays.  Realizing you have our best intentions in mind and you love us very much!

I honestly have no idea what we will be doing for the holidays. Whether it will be with family or not.  You may have dealt with it differently if you were in my shoes. Thank God you are not in my shoes.  I don't know what we are planning for the holidays but whatever it is, be okay with it.  If you are not okay with it, remind yourself that we are dealing the best way we know how then respect our decision.  It may completely differ from how you would or how you want us to but that's okay.

The update:

Stop all meds (yay)
Wait to get my period.
Put the Nuvaring (birth control) in on Day 3 and leave in for 3 weeks.
Wait to see what information we/my doctor has gathered by then and make a decision.

We do not have the depth it requires of our feelings to fully morn the news we received today.

We are still in shock. Dumbfounded that we are here again.

My doctor called me while we were driving on our way back to Miami.  She wanted us to visit the office so she could review our medications but that was just a cover to get us to call back. We did. She apologized for not saying what she has to say in person but since we were on the road she would have to.  I did not brace myself for the news because we conquered ovulating early, 24 eggs were retrieved so what could be so bad? A lot apparently.

I had her on speaker. Travis was driving.

All 24 of my eggs were low quality.

They collapsed while in the lab except two.  Two were fertilized by putting the egg with a bunch of sperm. The boarder of these two eggs were so weak, 2 and 3 sperm fertilized it.  Obviously you know it is only supposed to be one sperm at a time.

I could not believe, literally, what she was explaining. The two eggs that fertilized are being kept in the lab because there is a slight chance, 1% to be exact of what the doctor told me the could grow.  She said it would take a miracle for those to mature enough by Day 5 to be implanted. She was clear that this was not a hopeful circumstance. I should consider it a complete loss and move forward.  However, she wants me to stay on the meds until they know for sure.

I hung up. Cried and cried. Then Travis. We almost had to pull over because we were both sobbing.  I began singing 'Great is Thy Faithfulness.'  Are we going to trust God in this?  Are we going to invite him into our pain? Yes. When this is all over, we are confident we will see God's faithfulness.

Right now we need time to morn this loss. Again, a rarity in women my age to ovulate early and have such low egg quality. The embryologist said it looked like eggs from a woman who had chemotherapy, which I have not.  No answers as to why although a perfectly good reason why we have not been able to get pregnant before.

We are in shock. Completely devastated. We really thought this was going to be it!  Not only was it not it, it brought up more complications we will have to face in the future.

I just want a baby.

I can feel God's presence today, even through processing the news.  So many people have said they are praying for us today.

Here's the update:
Continue post egg retrieval drugs until Monday or Tuesday.
On Monday or Tuesday we will find out if the two fertilized eggs have matured to a healthy state.
If yes, then we head over for the implant.
If no, then we meet with my doctor and the lead embryologist to discuss trying again. What that will mean?  What are our chances of having a successful cycle and healthy baby?

Right now, we are heartbroken.  The best case scenario would be for those embryos to grow and we could move on.  Starting all over again for the third time is more than we can imagine.

Not even sure we know how to process this information. I'm tired. Travis is tired. We are heartbroken.

Thank you for your prayers.

Kindof in a state of shock. Probably the anesthesia talking, because I did not remember most of it and everything is a bit foggy still.
We arrived last night at my dad's house at 9:30 p.m. Drank as much Gatorade as I could to stay hydrated then went to bed.  The egg retrieval appointment was at 10 a.m.  We arrived there early and they still had us waiting for almost 30 minutes to bring us back.  Once there, the nurse started an IV, my doctor stopped by to say hello and then we spoke with the anesthesia doctor. Speaking with him was the most stressful part. He didn't believe me that I needed anti-nausea medicine at the beginning and refused to give it me.  Fortunately, I woke up without any nausea. If I had, the doctor better have run far.  It was funny. The nurse was trying to convince him as well. When he refused to budge on the issue, she bent down and said, if you feel nausea just aim at him!

Laying back in the chair, thinking of happy thoughts as I was instructed, I thought about the baby we would have from this, my wonderful husband Travis, and my adorable doggy, Ben.  Next thing I knew I was barely awake answering to my name being called.  My doctor was in the room and delivered the news that she had retrieved 24 eggs!  What a relief!

Getting prepped.

This is a picture with my doctor that I like so much!  I had to call her later tonight to clarify some of the medicine doses and she made a point to say, "I'm praying for your embryos tonight!"  How nice is that?

You see, on Tuesday, my numbers had climbed. From a progesterone level of .98 to 4.8. Anything over 5 is a danger zone for ovulating early.  Although my doctor would have liked me to stimulate another day to get the follicles in that 18-21 range, she didn't want to risk what happened last time. Thankful for that!

What she said next, nearly took our breath away.  "Lauren, because your body pushes through and ovulates early, this could be the very reason for your 'unexplained infertility.' My eggs had not fully matured, yet my body was going to ovulate anyways." Wow.

All the doctor's appointments in the last 6 years never tested for this. Their main concern is do I ovulate. Yes, I do. But without going through IVF, we never would have discovered this pre-mature ovulation.

This morning I had some stomach cramping which scared me because at any moment I could have ovulated. The biggest relief was hearing that I had not yet ovulated and she was able to retrieve all the eggs.

Look at my sexy outfit.

We went in at 9:20 a.m. and came back home at around 12:30 p.m.

Came home. Showered and went to sleep for about 6 hours.  Still cramping a bit in my stomach and a little dizzy but overall we are so excited! The hardest part is behind us. The embryo transfer will be the next big  phase but it does not involve anesthesia. So yay!

I have a bag of prescription medicine that I will begin tomorrow. Antibiotics, steroids, anti nausea medicine, and the list goes on. One of them has to be taken every 6 hours till at least Sunday; 6 p.m., midnight, 6 a.m., noon. So much for taking it too easy.

Thank you for all your texts, voice mails and prayers!   More to come!  Right now, as I take it a day at a time, it feels better not to have schedule my time around shots, bloodwork and every other day appointments. I get five days to just chill.  Praying that those embryos grow strong.

Looking forward to it!

Well the water is boiling! Got my wish!

This morning went in for bloodwork and ultrasound. Call from the doctor at around 4:30 p.m. to tell me we are moving forward full steam ahead!
My estrogen level went up to 1,980 and progesterone to .96 which means it is time for the trigger shot.  As she told me at this morning's appointment she would like to wait one more day.  But, after receiving these numbers she does not want to chance it for me ovulating through again.  Neither do I!
So, tonight, we will do the normal three shots at 6:30 p.m., then my friend Missy will give me the trigger shot at precisely 11 p.m. tonight as prescribed.  This is the big honking needle at the top of my butt/lower back that tells my body to drop the eggs into the follicle.
Thank you, Nicole and Missy!

In between, I will be meeting up with Travis at our friend Janine and TJ's house to introduce Ben to their home.  He has been there before but it was over a year ago.  They have graciously agreed to watch Ben for us! They have three children and another dog so Ben will have lots of love!  One less thing for me to think about while in Miami.

I am supposed to be calm and stay as relaxed as possible. No stress.  That has not happened yet. I have a million things swirling through my head. What I need to get done for work before I leave, things to pack, things to remember, and trying not to be scared that I will ovulate again. Because IB Profin is a blood thinner, I am not allowed to take anymore.  So, I'm worried I will have another sleepless night. I woke up at 2 a.m. in near tears with the pain. I don't know why it is hurting this badly!  It's the last thing I need right now.

So, trigger shot tonight, work regular day tomorrow, leave for Miami tomorrow night, egg retrieval scheduled for 9 a.m. on Thursday. On bed rest till Friday morning.  Drive home Friday.  Go back on Sunday for the embryo transfer! That's the exciting part! They put a live embryo in my uterine lining. On bed rest until Monday. Come back Monday afternoon. Go back to work on Tuesday.

I am going to try and surround myself with relaxing things. No stress. Trusting in God and having his peace in this time. I know he reserved it for me and I need to walk in it.

Thankful for my dad and Maria to let me stay at their house in Miami. Thankful for all the prayers and love from everyone!  More to come!

So many forms of tired!

I have not slept in at least three days. My right shoulder has been hurting so badly, it keeps me up at night.  Around 3 a.m. I wake up and it is throbbing. This morning I had an appointment with the doctor who performed my shoulder surgeries.  After telling him what was going on he decided to give me a cortisone shot.  Why not? Another shot. Ah!

Within five minutes, it felt so much better. Hoping I will sleep tonight. 

After that appointment, I ran over to the physical therapy center and turned in his prescription for 4-6 weeks of PT.  Still had some time before my IVF appointment, so I went and got a smoothie from Planet Smoothie with extra soy protein. Went to my IVF appointment, blood, ultrasound, and it looks good.  Good but not good enough to start the trigger shot.  Yes, I knew this was coming. Extra days of stimulation because of the Ganorelix which slows things down.  But, after ten days of stimulation, I am so ready to be done. 

I feel antsy. Annoyed. Agitated. Antsy. Tired. Tired. 

Every night we take these shots and I get a deep throbbing headache about an hour after that lasts deep into the night as a known side effect. Pray for Travis! That's all he hears when he gets home. How uncomfortable I feel!  I try to be conscious of it because I am sure it wears on him too.

So, to tell me I have at least 2-3 more days of this seems like eternity!  The days are so long!

Appointment in the morning, blood work results in the late afternoon, adjust medicine as needed and repeat. Waiting for the numbers to be good enough to take the trigger shot, wait another 36 hours, then move to Phase 2 - egg retrieval.  The part we didn't get to last time!

I am ready for Phase 1 to be done.  Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, hurry up and get here already!

Update:

13 follicles on my right and 9 on my left. Average size is 15 mm.  Optimal size with mature eggs is 18-22.  See how far away I am? Rhetorical question. Sigh.

Estrogen level on Saturday was 1,060.  Estrogen level today was only 1,465. We were hoping for 2,000. Thank you Ganorelix.  Optimal levels would be 2,100-3,100.

Must give big kudos to my boss, Amanda. She knows what we're going through since I have appointments every other day!  She has been very kind. Especially today. I emailed her and see if she would be available to cover orientation this week or we could move it to next week?  She said she would re-arrange some meetings to "do whatever she could for baby Turner."  Reading those words "baby Turner" made me tear up!

That is the core of what we are doing. Whatever it takes for baby Turner!

This whole process is very sterile, precise, and clinical.  The baby part seems very very very far off. One day at a time has a whole new meaning these days.  The days are long and involved with IVF either at the moment or in the back of my brain.  As Ms. Marlene used to say (insert strong Jamaican accent here) 'don'tcha know a watch pot never boil?'  Ms. Marlene that is exactly how I feel! We need to add some salt to this pot so it boils more quickly!

My next appointment is tomorrow morning. My appointments are everyday now so they can keep a close eye on the progress. 

More to come then...

Yesterday and today, I have been daydreaming.  Looking backwards from the future.

To look back on this difficult time. With Travis and I, parents, looking back on the hard time of infertility, IUI's, and IVF's.  When I see a couple our age with a baby I think, they may have gone through infertility.  There is a forever soft spot in my heart for people who have gone through what we have. 

It is a fact. Three out of 10 couples are experiencing or have experienced infertility. That's a lot. I wish more people were sensitive to that fact.  Yesterday, I spoke to a woman, who through association of mutual friends, knew we were trying.  For some reason, she felt the need to tell me of a friend she had who tried and tried and never could get pregnant. Finally, she relaxed and got pregnant at 42.  I snapped back at her, 'Well, we've been trying for 6 years and I can tell you there have been moments of relaxation (how rude for you to bring it up!). We are being treated medically by a professional.' Stupid woman! I didn't say the rude or stupid part but I felt like it.  

I will never again ask a couple I just met if they have kids.  Trust me. If they have children, it will be mentioned in only a matter of time in conversation. The pain it causes to ask the question to a couple going through infertility is not worth it!

I will never give advice to parents because I have not been one.  Neither should someone who has never been where I have give ridiculous advice. Relax?  You relax. 

The sting of those words makes me angry. I should have said, "Please let this be the last time you tell this story to someone who is going through infertility. It is not about being relaxed.  Medically speaking, being relaxed has nothing to do with it.  If you want to say anything just say I am sorry to hear that. I am praying for you."  Thinking of something better to say always happens to me after the fact!

As you can tell, I have not gotten to the place of letting people's ignorance slide by and just give them the benefit of the doubt for trying to help.  Obviously they have told other people which is evident by the sheer enthusiasm they tell their unsolicited advice.  Someone needs to stop them!  In a nice way of course.  "You may not be aware but what you are saying is just plain mean!"

That didn't sound so nice. I'll work on it. 

In the meantime, lady, deep breath, I forgive you for your ignorance. I forgive you and all the future people who will say stupid things to come. Lord knows I have said things I regret.  God give me the right words to say in response.  Something better than the above. 

Here's the update:

Good numbers today! We are getting to some meaty stuff now.  12 follicles on the right. 10 on the left. Ranging in size from 5 - 11 mm.  The average size was 8 mm. They are growing strong and steady.  Tonight we start the 3rd shot which slows their growth down.  This is different from the last time because we are starting this sooner to keep a steady eye on their progression.
Still taking the Pregnitude morning and night and now three shots given by Nicole at our usual time of 6:30 p.m.

Doctor's appointment on Saturday for more blood work and another ultrasound.  We are on day 6 of stimulation.  10 - 12 days is what we expect. More to come. 

This time feels different. It's probably all in my head. The shots hurt more. Sting more. The whole thing hurts more than last time. The IVF fits more into my normal this time than something extraordinary.

The ultrasound and blood work went good today.  There is some blood in my uterine lining that will probably dry up by Thursday's appointment and both ovaries have 3 - 4 small 4mm follicles.  It is a good thing that they are both even. It is still really early and at this stage and we want small follicles so they grow slow and steady.

I will feel more excited later. When we get past where we were last time. Right now it feels 'eh. Deep sigh. The process. Pregnitude in the morning. Pregnitude in the evening. Stimulation shots at 6:30 p.m. Repeat.

If I could be so liberal to diagnose my own feelings it would sound like this;  because there is not a newness to balance out the 'ouch' from the shots, 'ouch' from the blood work and repetitiveness of the doctor's appointments I am feeling blah. That's my sophisticated and professional opinion!

It will get better. Probably the hormones talking. This is my blog and I get to write what I want.