Tomorrow is the day!  Well, not THE day but A day.  We have an appointment to go in at 2 p.m.  This is the ultrasound/consult combo appointment. Hoping the ultrasound will show calm ovaries. I will be bringing all my left over drugs so the nurse can get a better knowledge of what needs to be ordered this round.

As you may have seen on Facebook, I have been under the weather big time. My head is full of pressure. My nose is running like a faucet. I have a nose like Rudolf to prove it.  And my throat, although not scratchy, it is definitely in the manly tone and feels tired if I use it for any length of time. This is not good timing! Practice is on Thursday and I wanted to be able to practice for the new song.  If I try to do it now, I could ruin the chances for a good practice but if I don't then I won't be as prepared as I would like.  Listening to the song over and over only goes so far.  Just believing that each day I will get better and I am trying to take it easy.

Yesterday I stayed home from work. Today, I left work early to come home and rest. Although Ben's idea of resting was more 'on me' than 'with me' so I didn't get that much out of it. He's so cute and his snoring is too comical I cannot be mad at him. Just look at his little face!

Getting the official dates and plan tomorrow will make things feel more real. Right now we still have more waiting.  Even if everything goes well, we would still have about another 10 days before stimulation. So, we wait. I'm not liking all this waiting. We have done so much with nothing to show for it and still we have to wait even more. It makes me think of how much waiting is involved in adoption. Couples can wait years. Agonizing months and years. So I guess in comparison it is not that bad. Let's not pray for patience. That's never fun. Let's pray for trust! Trusting that although it seems like forever, it's really not.

Our IVF consult appointment got pushed back till next week. By me. On purpose. To save time. Rather than go in twice; once for the consult and the next for the baseline ultrasound, I pushed it back a week to combine them into one.  So, Wednesday, August 1st we will go back and get the plan for what's coming up next.

Hoping that my ovaries have quieted down to normal so we can begin without delay. 

How am I feeling?

My feelings are all over the place.

A person I work with stopped by last week to tell me someone we both know is expecting a baby and how 'I would be next.' My office had two other people in it, and it was just not the right time. I smiled and 'shelved it.' Then, as I was riding home and reviewing my day in my head I started to cry. Ugh. I am happy for her. I know it will be me. But I wish it was me now. 

I remember doing our first IUI and of course, mapping out, if it worked, when we would be due.  Then, we found out it didn't work the same time a woman at our church, about my age, announced she was expecting. I was happy for her.  It stung though seeing her pregnancy mature and knowing that I thought, hoped I would be at the same stage.  That was over two years ago.  

This girl that me and this guy from work both know, got pregnant the same time we would have been at if this past IVF had worked.  It seems obvious that other people, especially around my same age of child-bearing years, will get pregnant routinely and I should expect it.  I guess I don't because it jolts me in the pit of stomach every time. 

This past week, at choir practice for which I am the director, one of our members brought up a coke on stage. I asked her kindly to remove it and she said 'she needed it because could not stand the taste of her own saliva.' I got the hint then celebrated with her that she was expecting her third child. It would be the only courteous thing to do, as the director, to announce it to the group as she permitted me.  When I got up, I said that 'she was expecting!'  Everything became a blur as everyone turned toward her and let out a squeal of some kind except the ones who know of our pain. 

They looked back at me. Their eyes telling me they were proud of me. 

Later in practice as I was speaking of God's faithfulness and expressing it in a particular song, I just about lost it. I could have broken down in the ugly cry right then.  Giving the announcement, then singing about God's promises just about broke me down. Not in a sad way. Just in a 'He is carrying Travis and I through this' kind of way.  

I feel anxious.  Touchy.  Emotional.  I really want to hear my Nana's voice telling me 'I'm praying for you honey.  I want you to know I pray for you every morning.'  I hope she still is bringing me up before God in heaven because we need it.  

We are not doing a whole lot right now except waiting which is why I feel so anxious.  God loves me through my anxiousness and that is just surface feelings.  The root is I believe and will always worship God because He is good and has good plans for us. So good, that all this pain will be a distant memory.

The past couple of weeks have been spent adjusting in our minds for the reality of starting over again, embracing the support from our friends and family, and making adjustments to once again celebrate this journey.  The shock and sadness has faded and in its place are attempts to make this time a little more fun. Now we know a bit more of what to expect and change things up a bit. What that exactly entails, we are not completely sure.  For one thing, we know the stimulation period we be longer. To ensure that I do not ovulate early again (highly unlikely but not going to take any chances), my doctor is planning on slowing the follicle growth down and getting blood work to show any signs of early ovulation.

Normally the follicles grow 1 - 2 mm a day and the stimulation lasts about 10 days.  To keep a closer eye on things, she will be growing them at a slower rate which means more doctor's appointments and a longer length of shots.  Good thing Nicole is up for it!

In one of our conversations, Travis and I agreed that if our doctor had said, 'Look. This is what it is going to take to get pregnant,' yes we would still do it. Expecting one thing and it not happening is definitely disappointing but in the long run has not changed our passion and desire to conceive and deliver a healthy and full-term baby!

My cycle started last Sunday and I put in the Nuvaring on Tuesday (Day 3) as planned. It will be kept in for 3 - 4 weeks.  Fortunately, I was able to get a prescription for anti-nausea medicine which was able to keep the nausea at bay.   The first days of the Nuvaring are the strongest and have passed with a minor side affect of drowsiness. Several times I could have put my head on my desk and fallen asleep but that part has passed. Thankful I did not get too nauseas this time. That was a blessing.

 Not this week, but next, we have our IVF consult appointment to review the plan, order the drugs, and set up the appointments for the next 3 - 4 weeks.  The egg retrieval is planned for the end of August/beginning of September and the embryo transfer will be in September.  This would give us a delivery date in May 2013.

Still taking it one day at a time which is all we can do right now. Believing that God is faithful and is taking us from glory to glory.

Never in our infertility journey have we felt so much love and support!

It started with the Nicole coming over to my house shortly after getting off the phone with me, with her two girls in tow and a bouquet of flowers.  What meant more though, was seeing her in her large round sunglasses crying and giving me a long heart felt hug that said she was in this with me.  We shared few words but her being there at that moment with such a force of love, friendship, and set the pace for healing. That moment will forever be in my memory and close to my heart!  Thank you Nicole.

Then calls, texts, messages from long distance loved ones confirming in their own way that they were sorry to hear of the news and expressed love for us.

At worship practice and church from those who knew coming up and just giving us a hug or asking the weighted question of how we were doing, knowing what they meant and offering love meant so much.  Instead of dreading to see people and inform them of the news, this blog has taken that burden off of us and in turn that fear is gone.  Friends and family already know and pour on the love and understanding. What a blessing this is!

Then, this week on Monday, my mother-in-law Terry asked if she could take me to lunch. A little nervous because I knew what we were going to talk about but she was so kind and gracious.  We sat outside a little sandwich place within walking distance from the hospital and talked about this and that. She asked about going over to Miami and seeing my family. Then she looked at me with tear filled eyes and told me that her and Tommy had been up at nights thinking about Travis and I and how heavy their hearts were for the process we were going through and praying for us. When I looked at her again, the tears were streaming from her eyes.  I reached over and took her hand with tears in my eyes thanking her for sharing that with me and for praying for us.  We knew they loved us and followed our online journal. To hear that so deeply moved me.  Thank you, Terry and Tommy!

Thank you mom as the first text I got and sharing in our moment.  Thank you for your powerful prayers.
Thank you dad for the big hug. I treasure them. 

Thank you Maria for sharing and helping us to look to the future. 

Thank you Maria (Naples). You have such a way with words to bring comfort, faith and love every time.  

Thank you Chelle for reaching out to us and caring so much. 

Thank you Hill for your beautiful message. Your words feel like a hug every time.

Thank you Rach for offering advice and understanding.

Thank you Yulia for your kind message, understanding, and regularly checking in on us. 

Thank you Susan for your lovely message. You said a lot of good things that will stick with us. 

Thank you Wendi for understanding and offering hope like no one but Jesus can.

Thank you Jill for the loving hug at practice. It overwhelmed me (in a good way). I am so glad you did.

Thank you Dana for lifting us up and always being available to listen. 

Thank you Tiffany (East coast) for always being a safe place. 

Thank you Sharon for listening so well. 

Thank you Fredeen's for the hugs and phone calls to Travis. 

Thank you Tiffany (Naples) for being there and loving Travis.

As we go through something so personal, to see the ones we love take it just as personal is very comforting. You are not just passing by or only showing up for the happy moments.  You are there in the messy times and willing to share which brings us together more closely in the end.  

Travis and I do not worry if God is with us. We know He is. This week, as I read over the people I listed, we are even more comforted to know that you are with us too! Thank you. Thank you for caring. Thank you for loving on us so well!

Lots of love,

Lauren