Since my last post, we have had to find the strength to push toward moving on with wanting to start a family.

In agreement with our local IVF doctor and recommended by friends, we sought out the top IVF physician in the country; Dr. Schoolcraft in Colorado. He has been on Oprah, Dr. Phil, and I knew of him through watching the reality show of  Guilianna & Bill. The waitlist was over a month long for a 15 -30 minute phone consult with him.  It was free.  All we had to do was fill out tons of paperwork and wait for the call.

Our call was last Friday at 9:15 a.m. our time.  My boss was gracious when I told her about it and went into work late. Travis did the same.
I could not sleep past 6 a.m. I had my phone ring on as high as it would go. He called. I put the phone on speaker as Travis and I sat on the edge of our bed listening to what he had to say. He was super nice.
"Good morning, Lauren.  This is Dr. Schoolcraft. How are you today?"

"Good. Thank you so much for your time this morning!" Relieved he was so personable.

"Tell me about your fertility journey."

"How much time do we have on this call?"

He had our file so I didn't want to go into too much detail. I wanted to hear his opinion as soon as possible.
With kindness in his voice he said, "Well Lauren I am sure you have heard this before...and I am sorry to say...Your case is extremely rare...something something...Your eggs are your eggs....Your best option is an egg donor."

Remembering my eggs are 'partially dead' I slid down the bed to the floor, sitting and holding my knees to my chest. I starting tearing up because I would never want to do an egg donor.  An egg donor means I would never have a child that looks like me, sounds like me, or maybe gets my singing voice. The baby that we have always imagined in our heads. Would they have Travis' big brown eyes and my nose? Or his long eye lashes and my thick blonde hair? That loss immediately washed over me.  I wanted to break down right then but stayed as strong as possible for the rest of the call.

He took a long pause and then went on.

"Unfortunately, we do not know why your eggs are the way they are and there is no cure."

He did not say anything else, probably letting that sink in.  I could hardly believe it. The top doctor in the country and recognized worldwide is telling us this.  I probably still cannot believe it.

"If you were me, what would you do?"

"Well, since your eggs have only been seen through IVF one time, I would do another cycle of IVF. Each cycle varies and we might be able to get one or two good eggs out of, for example, the 24 you produced last time. I would consider that a poor cycle with those odds but if you conceived with that one or two eggs, obviously you would consider it a good cycle. Then, if that did not work, I would do an IVM which is where we do not use stimulation meds and grow your eggs in the lab. Sometimes it works with people who do not respond to IVF. Then, I would do an egg donor."

He went on.

"Lauren, I do not want to over promise or over estimate the success of any of these procedures."

My teary voice pushed through, "We appreciate that."

Surprised he had not mentioned it before, I asked if it would be okay if I came for his two-day work-up that he is famous for. He said he would arrange it with his lead nurse and she would be in touch later that morning. We thanked him again and hung up.

Travis met me on the floor. I fell into him. He wrapped his arms around me and we sobbed together.  I looked up at him and I said, this is so much harder with the recent announcement of my sister's pregnancy with her third child. Why is it so hard for us? So hard!  We may never have a biological child of me and him together. That's only natural. I don't think we are asking for too much.

The nurse called me later that morning and sent me more forms to fill out.  She emailed me and assigned me to another two nurses who would be our primary contacts in Colorado. The two-day work-up would be timed with my cycle. Tickets for Colorado in January are outrageous so we will be planning to go sometime in February if it all works out.

Then came Thanksgiving. Travis and I spent it together and cooked with all the trimmings. Ate over candlelight.  When we prayed in thanksgiving for our meal, we prayed for our future and for our hearts that we felt were broken.  We both teared up.  We then raised our glasses, made a toast to our future, and enjoyed our delicious meal we made!

See, that is part of our life now that we have grown into and I am proud of us! It is okay to cry when life is sad.

There is healing in crying.

Better than stuffing it down, ignoring it, or trying to quickly move on.

When something is going on so deeply with us, it feels like rejection when our pain is passed by.

It has taken Travis and I a long time to learn this.  Taking time to cry a few tears, or a lot.  It makes it much easier to be truly happy after the tears have dried than stuffing them down and faking happiness.

We appreciate those who are not afraid of our tears. It brings comfort, in response if they cry with us, share how they feel about us, our situation, and in sincerity love us right where we are at.  Engaging in that moment of stillness and sorrow.

We understand people, friends and family are at a loss on how to deal with our repeated sadness.  Trust me, we would rather a different outcome too!  Right now, it completely and undeniably sucks big time!  Believe it or not, we still have tears available to cry.  I cannot see it from here but have to hope their is end to our mourning.

For now, just like thousands of times before, we wait. Wait until we go to Colorado, have the testing done, and again meet with Dr. Schoolcraft.