Today is Saturday.  Saturday is a day when things slow down for me.  I have time to reflect, think, and process.  Lately they have been days sitting at my piano, singing, worshiping, and wishing my skills on the keys matched what I wanted to play.  For now, it is still a good outlet.  I walk by that spot every day and never touch the keys.  Something about Saturdays.  Time. Not being rushed and just sitting down and playing whatever I know how to play.  It is a steadiness I can always come back to; not to be shared in public but just between me, God, and sometimes Ben when he is perched on the stairs.

Friends ask how I am feeling. Emotional. Unbalanced some days. What does normal Lauren feel like?  I miss her. It seems like forever since I have been 'clean' from some kind of medication, stimulation, or hormone. Is it the hormones speaking or the heaviness of this process or both?

I am confident Travis is ready for normal Lauren to come back too. I am convinced the most important three words in marriage is not 'I love you' but 'I am sorry.'  It makes me sad that I am not more steady for him. If you think about it, the past 6 years of our marriage have been a struggle with this thing.  Just me and him. Routine. Too many tears and that makes me sad to think about.  For him and for us. It has stolen from us. Lately, my prayers to God have been simple and honest. More childlike than ever before. I don't know what I'm doing. I need your help. Thank you. 

Yet, in the midst of this, somehow He is using me.  The lead that has been given to me on my worship team for the 'Revelation Song' could not have come at a better time.  In the waiting, I can practice on exalting him and leading others.  There is nothing better. It is so amazing leading people into the presence of God. He shows up every time.  I am humbled He is using me in my mess!  That's how He does it. 

Here's the update:

Our next appointment is on Wednesday at 2 p.m. It is for an ultrasound to see if the follicles have shrunk down.  The goal is to have both ovaries with less than 7% full of old follicles.  If they are we will move forward, take out the Nuvaring, have my period, and on day 10 (ish), I will start the stimulation. If not, my doctor will put me on a medication to further calm my ovaries. The reason she did not put me on it this time is because the effects take longer to clear, meaning it can further lengthen the stimulation portion (shots and meds).  

The first part of July was when the transfer was to take place now we are looking at October possibly. It is a long time when you add six years of waiting to the front of it.  

Not poor me.  It's just temporary.  Seeing long term is too difficult today. I am living in today. Right now. Right now I'm on birth control still and am waiting for my next doctor's appointment.