Tomorrow is the day!  Well, not THE day but A day.  We have an appointment to go in at 2 p.m.  This is the ultrasound/consult combo appointment. Hoping the ultrasound will show calm ovaries. I will be bringing all my left over drugs so the nurse can get a better knowledge of what needs to be ordered this round.

As you may have seen on Facebook, I have been under the weather big time. My head is full of pressure. My nose is running like a faucet. I have a nose like Rudolf to prove it.  And my throat, although not scratchy, it is definitely in the manly tone and feels tired if I use it for any length of time. This is not good timing! Practice is on Thursday and I wanted to be able to practice for the new song.  If I try to do it now, I could ruin the chances for a good practice but if I don't then I won't be as prepared as I would like.  Listening to the song over and over only goes so far.  Just believing that each day I will get better and I am trying to take it easy.

Yesterday I stayed home from work. Today, I left work early to come home and rest. Although Ben's idea of resting was more 'on me' than 'with me' so I didn't get that much out of it. He's so cute and his snoring is too comical I cannot be mad at him. Just look at his little face!

Getting the official dates and plan tomorrow will make things feel more real. Right now we still have more waiting.  Even if everything goes well, we would still have about another 10 days before stimulation. So, we wait. I'm not liking all this waiting. We have done so much with nothing to show for it and still we have to wait even more. It makes me think of how much waiting is involved in adoption. Couples can wait years. Agonizing months and years. So I guess in comparison it is not that bad. Let's not pray for patience. That's never fun. Let's pray for trust! Trusting that although it seems like forever, it's really not.

Our IVF consult appointment got pushed back till next week. By me. On purpose. To save time. Rather than go in twice; once for the consult and the next for the baseline ultrasound, I pushed it back a week to combine them into one.  So, Wednesday, August 1st we will go back and get the plan for what's coming up next.

Hoping that my ovaries have quieted down to normal so we can begin without delay. 

How am I feeling?

My feelings are all over the place.

A person I work with stopped by last week to tell me someone we both know is expecting a baby and how 'I would be next.' My office had two other people in it, and it was just not the right time. I smiled and 'shelved it.' Then, as I was riding home and reviewing my day in my head I started to cry. Ugh. I am happy for her. I know it will be me. But I wish it was me now. 

I remember doing our first IUI and of course, mapping out, if it worked, when we would be due.  Then, we found out it didn't work the same time a woman at our church, about my age, announced she was expecting. I was happy for her.  It stung though seeing her pregnancy mature and knowing that I thought, hoped I would be at the same stage.  That was over two years ago.  

This girl that me and this guy from work both know, got pregnant the same time we would have been at if this past IVF had worked.  It seems obvious that other people, especially around my same age of child-bearing years, will get pregnant routinely and I should expect it.  I guess I don't because it jolts me in the pit of stomach every time. 

This past week, at choir practice for which I am the director, one of our members brought up a coke on stage. I asked her kindly to remove it and she said 'she needed it because could not stand the taste of her own saliva.' I got the hint then celebrated with her that she was expecting her third child. It would be the only courteous thing to do, as the director, to announce it to the group as she permitted me.  When I got up, I said that 'she was expecting!'  Everything became a blur as everyone turned toward her and let out a squeal of some kind except the ones who know of our pain. 

They looked back at me. Their eyes telling me they were proud of me. 

Later in practice as I was speaking of God's faithfulness and expressing it in a particular song, I just about lost it. I could have broken down in the ugly cry right then.  Giving the announcement, then singing about God's promises just about broke me down. Not in a sad way. Just in a 'He is carrying Travis and I through this' kind of way.  

I feel anxious.  Touchy.  Emotional.  I really want to hear my Nana's voice telling me 'I'm praying for you honey.  I want you to know I pray for you every morning.'  I hope she still is bringing me up before God in heaven because we need it.  

We are not doing a whole lot right now except waiting which is why I feel so anxious.  God loves me through my anxiousness and that is just surface feelings.  The root is I believe and will always worship God because He is good and has good plans for us. So good, that all this pain will be a distant memory.

The past couple of weeks have been spent adjusting in our minds for the reality of starting over again, embracing the support from our friends and family, and making adjustments to once again celebrate this journey.  The shock and sadness has faded and in its place are attempts to make this time a little more fun. Now we know a bit more of what to expect and change things up a bit. What that exactly entails, we are not completely sure.  For one thing, we know the stimulation period we be longer. To ensure that I do not ovulate early again (highly unlikely but not going to take any chances), my doctor is planning on slowing the follicle growth down and getting blood work to show any signs of early ovulation.

Normally the follicles grow 1 - 2 mm a day and the stimulation lasts about 10 days.  To keep a closer eye on things, she will be growing them at a slower rate which means more doctor's appointments and a longer length of shots.  Good thing Nicole is up for it!

In one of our conversations, Travis and I agreed that if our doctor had said, 'Look. This is what it is going to take to get pregnant,' yes we would still do it. Expecting one thing and it not happening is definitely disappointing but in the long run has not changed our passion and desire to conceive and deliver a healthy and full-term baby!

My cycle started last Sunday and I put in the Nuvaring on Tuesday (Day 3) as planned. It will be kept in for 3 - 4 weeks.  Fortunately, I was able to get a prescription for anti-nausea medicine which was able to keep the nausea at bay.   The first days of the Nuvaring are the strongest and have passed with a minor side affect of drowsiness. Several times I could have put my head on my desk and fallen asleep but that part has passed. Thankful I did not get too nauseas this time. That was a blessing.

 Not this week, but next, we have our IVF consult appointment to review the plan, order the drugs, and set up the appointments for the next 3 - 4 weeks.  The egg retrieval is planned for the end of August/beginning of September and the embryo transfer will be in September.  This would give us a delivery date in May 2013.

Still taking it one day at a time which is all we can do right now. Believing that God is faithful and is taking us from glory to glory.

Never in our infertility journey have we felt so much love and support!

It started with the Nicole coming over to my house shortly after getting off the phone with me, with her two girls in tow and a bouquet of flowers.  What meant more though, was seeing her in her large round sunglasses crying and giving me a long heart felt hug that said she was in this with me.  We shared few words but her being there at that moment with such a force of love, friendship, and set the pace for healing. That moment will forever be in my memory and close to my heart!  Thank you Nicole.

Then calls, texts, messages from long distance loved ones confirming in their own way that they were sorry to hear of the news and expressed love for us.

At worship practice and church from those who knew coming up and just giving us a hug or asking the weighted question of how we were doing, knowing what they meant and offering love meant so much.  Instead of dreading to see people and inform them of the news, this blog has taken that burden off of us and in turn that fear is gone.  Friends and family already know and pour on the love and understanding. What a blessing this is!

Then, this week on Monday, my mother-in-law Terry asked if she could take me to lunch. A little nervous because I knew what we were going to talk about but she was so kind and gracious.  We sat outside a little sandwich place within walking distance from the hospital and talked about this and that. She asked about going over to Miami and seeing my family. Then she looked at me with tear filled eyes and told me that her and Tommy had been up at nights thinking about Travis and I and how heavy their hearts were for the process we were going through and praying for us. When I looked at her again, the tears were streaming from her eyes.  I reached over and took her hand with tears in my eyes thanking her for sharing that with me and for praying for us.  We knew they loved us and followed our online journal. To hear that so deeply moved me.  Thank you, Terry and Tommy!

Thank you mom as the first text I got and sharing in our moment.  Thank you for your powerful prayers.
Thank you dad for the big hug. I treasure them. 

Thank you Maria for sharing and helping us to look to the future. 

Thank you Maria (Naples). You have such a way with words to bring comfort, faith and love every time.  

Thank you Chelle for reaching out to us and caring so much. 

Thank you Hill for your beautiful message. Your words feel like a hug every time.

Thank you Rach for offering advice and understanding.

Thank you Yulia for your kind message, understanding, and regularly checking in on us. 

Thank you Susan for your lovely message. You said a lot of good things that will stick with us. 

Thank you Wendi for understanding and offering hope like no one but Jesus can.

Thank you Jill for the loving hug at practice. It overwhelmed me (in a good way). I am so glad you did.

Thank you Dana for lifting us up and always being available to listen. 

Thank you Tiffany (East coast) for always being a safe place. 

Thank you Sharon for listening so well. 

Thank you Fredeen's for the hugs and phone calls to Travis. 

Thank you Tiffany (Naples) for being there and loving Travis.

As we go through something so personal, to see the ones we love take it just as personal is very comforting. You are not just passing by or only showing up for the happy moments.  You are there in the messy times and willing to share which brings us together more closely in the end.  

Travis and I do not worry if God is with us. We know He is. This week, as I read over the people I listed, we are even more comforted to know that you are with us too! Thank you. Thank you for caring. Thank you for loving on us so well!

Lots of love,

Lauren

The past few days Travis and I have been in a bit of shock. We still cannot wrap our brains around how this happened. Going over to Miami was nice and glad we did it. It was refreshing to see my dad, Maria, and my little sister Chelsea who was down for the summer from Boston College. We wanted to stay over on Monday and just hang out in Miami but around 11 a.m. I started having very strong cramping, especially on my left side. I was so uncomfortable. We returned back to my dad's house, took some Alieve and started heading back to Naples.  The pain had not let up after two hours and I was worried that it was hyperstimulation. Called my IVF doctor and she wanted me to come in as soon as I got back to Naples. Great! This is all we want to do. We are still in an emotional daze and we have to go to the doctor to make sure I am not in danger of hyperstimulation:

The most worrisome complication of IVF is that of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS), because of superovulation. The cause of "ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome" is that superovulated ovaries contain many follicles which are loaded with estrogen. After ovulation, a huge amount of estrogen-rich fluid is poured directly out of the enlarged and fragile ovaries into the abdominal cavity. This fluid also contains chemicals like kallikrein-kinin and VEGF (vascular endothelial growth factor), which then coat the lining of the abdominal cavity (called the peritoneum) and cause it to become very permeable (leaky) . Fluid (serum) literally pours out of bloodstream into the peritoneal cavity because of the "leakiness" of the abdominal cavity's lining. The ovaries balloon in size, the abdomen swells, and some women may get lightheaded with relatively low blood pressure, or dizzy because of the decreased blood volume. From:
http://www.drmalpani.com/ovarian-hyperstimulation-syndrome.htm

After conducting an ultrasound my doctor was confident I did not have OHSS and the pain was probably caused by blood in my abdomen which is normal when ovulating as many eggs as I did.  The pain will go away when I get my period.

Seeing the doctor gave us an opportunity to ask questions as well. There was a 3% chance of this happening. Mostly premature ovulation happens with older woman doing IVF and seeing it in a patient like myself is even more rare. Not so comforting news.

Also not so good news was that we are expected to pay to start over. There are four phases.
Phase 1: Monitoring and stimulation (drugs and shots)
Phase 2: Egg retrieval and stimulation
Phase 3: Embryo transfer and stimulation
Phase 4: Past embryo transfer monitoring and stimulation

Each phase costs money. We never got to Phase 2 so we need to do phase 1 over again. We do not feel it is fair to have to pay 'x' amount of money because we did nothing wrong. We followed all the instructions perfectly and they should not charge us at all since we will have to repay for the drugs which cost thousands of dollars as it is. Travis left a message with the head guy at the clinic today. Because this is so rare and again, we did nothing wrong, they should give us a break. Pray for favor.

Starting over means, waiting until I start my cycle, then on day 3 starting the birth control (to calm my ovaries down so we can start at ground zero again), taking it for 3-4 weeks, monitoring and going from there. This puts us at egg retrieval around the end of August, beginning of September.

Please pray for Travis and I. We are thankful that we did not lose any embryos and did not receive a negative pregnancy test. On the other hand, this is a hit. We were not expecting it and it is taking some time to get back on track. It is hard to focus on everyday tasks, work, and other things when we have yet to process what really happened. I feel like crying but there are no tears.  I don't want to be sad but being happy doesn't feel natural either.  This evening, we had planned on going to church but I got home from work around 5:45 p.m., laid down and did not get up until after 7 p.m.  Travis didn't want to wake me.  I feel tired and restless at the same time.

I know each day will get better.  I have hope that it will.  If you know me, and if you are reading this blog than you most likely do, you must know that this has not shaken our faith. We believe God will turn this situation into something good. Something perfect. Like a baby for example!

Thank you for your prayers.

Love,
Lauren

I ovulated early.
My blood work this morning showed it.
My doctor called me this afternoon at 4:30 p.m. as we were rushing home to get ready to go to Miami to tell me the news.
"What? I don't understand. How is that possible?"
"Faulty Cetracide shot."
"So we're not coming to Miami?"
"No. Lauren, this rarely happens and when it does it is really hard. Bring in your Cetracide shot because we are going to file with the company."
"So I have to go through everything again? Shots? Blood work?"
"Yes."  She continued talking but I didn't really hear what she was saying. Something about how everything was looking perfect and not sure how this happened.
"I gotta go."
Called Dana to cancel watching Ben.
Called Nicole to tell her the news. Cried on the phone with her.
When Travis came home our hearts were heavy.
We cried it out. Sad because it is very disappointing and difficult to hear.
It could be worse.
Instead of sitting here at home and crying it out, we are packing up Ben and still going to Miami. It will be a nice change of scenery.

We need time to process it and gather up strength to do it all over again.

Thank you for your prayers.

Lots of love,
Lauren

This morning, Sunday, at 9 a.m. we had another appointment for blood work and ultrasound.  The blood work, thank GOD! went well and only had one stick. The ultrasound was a bit more exciting.  I had 14 follicles that were size 14 mm or higher and considered mature.  There were 10 more that could possibly have eggs in them. However, we needed to wait and see what my estrogen level was before deciding to wait another day before getting the 'trigger' shot (tells my body to ovulate).  It is a balancing act between growing as many mature follicles as possible and keeping my estrogen at a safe level.

This afternoon, my doctor called to report that my estrogen level was 2,700 (abnormal would be anything over 4,000). To give you an idea, on Friday, my level was 1,780 so to wait another day to see if those 10 follicles would mature to give me 24 is too risky. To have 14 mature follicles is a really good number anyways! To retrieve 24 eggs is a lot!

So, this means, Nicole will give me the normal shots, minus the Menapure, tonight at 6:30 p.m. and the trigger shot at exactly 7:45 p.m. 

Let me explain the exactly part. My doctor was very and repeatedly clear that it is to be given at this time. The reason, is that they need to time it just right because if they do not, I could ovulate before they are able to get the eggs and that would be no bueno! It would spoil the whole cycle and all that we have done up to this point. On the voicemail she left me, she said 7:30 p.m. but then the lab called her back and said 7:45 p.m. so she called to notify with me. Fifteen minutes? Really. Apparently yes it is that big of a deal. 

This shot is gonna hurt. It goes in my upper butt area (inter muscular) and has a big honking needle. Thanks to the advice of Rachel, I will be icing the area to help numb it. "Small price to pay!" is what I will be thinking. 

Tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. I have a blood work appointment only to ensure my body absorbed the trigger shot and to check my estrogen level again. Travis and I will both work full days tomorrow and then head over to Miami. Tuesday morning at 7:45 a.m. we will go in for my egg retrieval. Exciting!  Since I will be on bed rest, I took Wednesday off as well as Tuesday.

Our good friends, Dana and Jeff will be watching Ben for us. We debated on bringing him over but he usually drives on my lap and that probably would not feel so good going over or heading back. Plus, he loves playing with their Puggle, Harley! We love our Ben! This picture was taken a while ago. He is such a good doggie and cuddler!

Ben is always very sensitive to when I am upset and is quick to bring comfort! So glad he is in our family!

They will retrieve all of the eggs, whether mature or not. And then my empty follicles will fill up with fluid again so the bloating and pressure feeling stays.

Just because they retrieve 14 plus eggs does not mean we will have 14 embryo's to choose from. At each stage, some do not mature enough to move on. Half of the eggs will be directly injected with Travis' sperm which is called icksee and the other half will be given the opportunity to 'hook up' naturally. They will put one egg in a pastry dish of one million sperm for example, and let them do their thing. Then they watch both the icksee and natural method embroy's and measure their growth.  The embryonologist (sp?) will give us updates along the way with their progress. 

THEN, we go back to Miami on Saturday for our embryo transfer which will take place on Sunday, July 2nd.  Yes, Michelle, this means, I could be getting pregnant on your birthday!

Travis and I are very happy to be graduating to the next step. 

Praying my anesthesia goes well and I do not wake up horribly nauseas! Please say a prayer on Tuesday at 7:45 a.m. for a great procedure and smart anesthesiologist!

More to come! The best part actually - mid July and beyond!

Lots of love,

Lauren