Well the water is boiling! Got my wish!

This morning went in for bloodwork and ultrasound. Call from the doctor at around 4:30 p.m. to tell me we are moving forward full steam ahead!
My estrogen level went up to 1,980 and progesterone to .96 which means it is time for the trigger shot.  As she told me at this morning's appointment she would like to wait one more day.  But, after receiving these numbers she does not want to chance it for me ovulating through again.  Neither do I!
So, tonight, we will do the normal three shots at 6:30 p.m., then my friend Missy will give me the trigger shot at precisely 11 p.m. tonight as prescribed.  This is the big honking needle at the top of my butt/lower back that tells my body to drop the eggs into the follicle.
Thank you, Nicole and Missy!

In between, I will be meeting up with Travis at our friend Janine and TJ's house to introduce Ben to their home.  He has been there before but it was over a year ago.  They have graciously agreed to watch Ben for us! They have three children and another dog so Ben will have lots of love!  One less thing for me to think about while in Miami.

I am supposed to be calm and stay as relaxed as possible. No stress.  That has not happened yet. I have a million things swirling through my head. What I need to get done for work before I leave, things to pack, things to remember, and trying not to be scared that I will ovulate again. Because IB Profin is a blood thinner, I am not allowed to take anymore.  So, I'm worried I will have another sleepless night. I woke up at 2 a.m. in near tears with the pain. I don't know why it is hurting this badly!  It's the last thing I need right now.

So, trigger shot tonight, work regular day tomorrow, leave for Miami tomorrow night, egg retrieval scheduled for 9 a.m. on Thursday. On bed rest till Friday morning.  Drive home Friday.  Go back on Sunday for the embryo transfer! That's the exciting part! They put a live embryo in my uterine lining. On bed rest until Monday. Come back Monday afternoon. Go back to work on Tuesday.

I am going to try and surround myself with relaxing things. No stress. Trusting in God and having his peace in this time. I know he reserved it for me and I need to walk in it.

Thankful for my dad and Maria to let me stay at their house in Miami. Thankful for all the prayers and love from everyone!  More to come!

So many forms of tired!

I have not slept in at least three days. My right shoulder has been hurting so badly, it keeps me up at night.  Around 3 a.m. I wake up and it is throbbing. This morning I had an appointment with the doctor who performed my shoulder surgeries.  After telling him what was going on he decided to give me a cortisone shot.  Why not? Another shot. Ah!

Within five minutes, it felt so much better. Hoping I will sleep tonight. 

After that appointment, I ran over to the physical therapy center and turned in his prescription for 4-6 weeks of PT.  Still had some time before my IVF appointment, so I went and got a smoothie from Planet Smoothie with extra soy protein. Went to my IVF appointment, blood, ultrasound, and it looks good.  Good but not good enough to start the trigger shot.  Yes, I knew this was coming. Extra days of stimulation because of the Ganorelix which slows things down.  But, after ten days of stimulation, I am so ready to be done. 

I feel antsy. Annoyed. Agitated. Antsy. Tired. Tired. 

Every night we take these shots and I get a deep throbbing headache about an hour after that lasts deep into the night as a known side effect. Pray for Travis! That's all he hears when he gets home. How uncomfortable I feel!  I try to be conscious of it because I am sure it wears on him too.

So, to tell me I have at least 2-3 more days of this seems like eternity!  The days are so long!

Appointment in the morning, blood work results in the late afternoon, adjust medicine as needed and repeat. Waiting for the numbers to be good enough to take the trigger shot, wait another 36 hours, then move to Phase 2 - egg retrieval.  The part we didn't get to last time!

I am ready for Phase 1 to be done.  Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, hurry up and get here already!

Update:

13 follicles on my right and 9 on my left. Average size is 15 mm.  Optimal size with mature eggs is 18-22.  See how far away I am? Rhetorical question. Sigh.

Estrogen level on Saturday was 1,060.  Estrogen level today was only 1,465. We were hoping for 2,000. Thank you Ganorelix.  Optimal levels would be 2,100-3,100.

Must give big kudos to my boss, Amanda. She knows what we're going through since I have appointments every other day!  She has been very kind. Especially today. I emailed her and see if she would be available to cover orientation this week or we could move it to next week?  She said she would re-arrange some meetings to "do whatever she could for baby Turner."  Reading those words "baby Turner" made me tear up!

That is the core of what we are doing. Whatever it takes for baby Turner!

This whole process is very sterile, precise, and clinical.  The baby part seems very very very far off. One day at a time has a whole new meaning these days.  The days are long and involved with IVF either at the moment or in the back of my brain.  As Ms. Marlene used to say (insert strong Jamaican accent here) 'don'tcha know a watch pot never boil?'  Ms. Marlene that is exactly how I feel! We need to add some salt to this pot so it boils more quickly!

My next appointment is tomorrow morning. My appointments are everyday now so they can keep a close eye on the progress. 

More to come then...

Yesterday and today, I have been daydreaming.  Looking backwards from the future.

To look back on this difficult time. With Travis and I, parents, looking back on the hard time of infertility, IUI's, and IVF's.  When I see a couple our age with a baby I think, they may have gone through infertility.  There is a forever soft spot in my heart for people who have gone through what we have. 

It is a fact. Three out of 10 couples are experiencing or have experienced infertility. That's a lot. I wish more people were sensitive to that fact.  Yesterday, I spoke to a woman, who through association of mutual friends, knew we were trying.  For some reason, she felt the need to tell me of a friend she had who tried and tried and never could get pregnant. Finally, she relaxed and got pregnant at 42.  I snapped back at her, 'Well, we've been trying for 6 years and I can tell you there have been moments of relaxation (how rude for you to bring it up!). We are being treated medically by a professional.' Stupid woman! I didn't say the rude or stupid part but I felt like it.  

I will never again ask a couple I just met if they have kids.  Trust me. If they have children, it will be mentioned in only a matter of time in conversation. The pain it causes to ask the question to a couple going through infertility is not worth it!

I will never give advice to parents because I have not been one.  Neither should someone who has never been where I have give ridiculous advice. Relax?  You relax. 

The sting of those words makes me angry. I should have said, "Please let this be the last time you tell this story to someone who is going through infertility. It is not about being relaxed.  Medically speaking, being relaxed has nothing to do with it.  If you want to say anything just say I am sorry to hear that. I am praying for you."  Thinking of something better to say always happens to me after the fact!

As you can tell, I have not gotten to the place of letting people's ignorance slide by and just give them the benefit of the doubt for trying to help.  Obviously they have told other people which is evident by the sheer enthusiasm they tell their unsolicited advice.  Someone needs to stop them!  In a nice way of course.  "You may not be aware but what you are saying is just plain mean!"

That didn't sound so nice. I'll work on it. 

In the meantime, lady, deep breath, I forgive you for your ignorance. I forgive you and all the future people who will say stupid things to come. Lord knows I have said things I regret.  God give me the right words to say in response.  Something better than the above. 

Here's the update:

Good numbers today! We are getting to some meaty stuff now.  12 follicles on the right. 10 on the left. Ranging in size from 5 - 11 mm.  The average size was 8 mm. They are growing strong and steady.  Tonight we start the 3rd shot which slows their growth down.  This is different from the last time because we are starting this sooner to keep a steady eye on their progression.
Still taking the Pregnitude morning and night and now three shots given by Nicole at our usual time of 6:30 p.m.

Doctor's appointment on Saturday for more blood work and another ultrasound.  We are on day 6 of stimulation.  10 - 12 days is what we expect. More to come. 

This time feels different. It's probably all in my head. The shots hurt more. Sting more. The whole thing hurts more than last time. The IVF fits more into my normal this time than something extraordinary.

The ultrasound and blood work went good today.  There is some blood in my uterine lining that will probably dry up by Thursday's appointment and both ovaries have 3 - 4 small 4mm follicles.  It is a good thing that they are both even. It is still really early and at this stage and we want small follicles so they grow slow and steady.

I will feel more excited later. When we get past where we were last time. Right now it feels 'eh. Deep sigh. The process. Pregnitude in the morning. Pregnitude in the evening. Stimulation shots at 6:30 p.m. Repeat.

If I could be so liberal to diagnose my own feelings it would sound like this;  because there is not a newness to balance out the 'ouch' from the shots, 'ouch' from the blood work and repetitiveness of the doctor's appointments I am feeling blah. That's my sophisticated and professional opinion!

It will get better. Probably the hormones talking. This is my blog and I get to write what I want.

To quote my doctor today, 'We are hoping for good news from here on out.'  Today was good news. My left ovary was completely healed up. No empty follicles.  A few new tiny (5 mm) follicles in both ovaries but that is normal. When I heard the news it took me a while to be feel happy about it. Even now, I am not reeling with enthusiasm for the weeks ahead.  Must be emotional depleatedness. Yes, I made that up. It means emotionally tired.

Most likely the bloodwork taken today will come back normal (looking for low estrogen levels) so we are planning on starting tomorrow.  The shots were ordered today and will be overnighted to get it in time for tomorrow evening; Day 1 of stimulation.  Kinda cool that it will be starting on September 1st. Makes it easier to count stimulation days. A minor thing.  But it made me smile as I noticed it when we were reviewing the calendar.  Speaking of the calendar.

So here it is. Here we are again. Getting the green light to try again. And try again we shall. 

"The sun will come out tomorrow. Betchyour bottom dollar that tomorrow they'll be sun. Just thinking about tomorrow clears away the (something) and the sorrow 'till there's none. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. I love you tomorrow you're only a day away."

This is the opposite of how I'm feeling. I am dreading tomorrow. I should be happy but I'm nervous. 

Started my period today. Now we start counting. 

Day 1. 

Called it in to the doctor's office. 

Tomorrow, I go in for another ultrasound to see how much smaller those two pesty empty follicles have shrunk.  

Talking with my doctor tonight, expressing her 'in my professional opinion' scenario, she wants to wait to move on until my left ovary is completely healed; no empty follicles at all. Wow. That is a tall order. A little over a week ago we were at 25%, now she wants 0% moving forward.  

The question in mind is what I focused on in my previous blog. Is it worth it to wait? Probably not since I have a very strong reaction to stimulation and the 5,7, or 10% of real estate being taken up by empty follicles  is going to be a non-issue. 

So we wait until tomorrow to see how things look. Did they shrink? How much did they shrink? Are we ready?  God is going to have to give me a lot of peace if they have not shrunk and they want me to do another round of birth control. In case you have lost count, that's 3 rounds of 3 weeks of birth control. No thank you! 

The worst part? The not so nice nurse will be doing the ultrasound and bloodwork because my doctor will be in surgery. Sucky!  However, my doctor is still going to call me to give her opinion of the ultrasound images.  

More to come. Tomorrow. 

All day at work, both Travis and I felt the same.  When will 2 o'clock arrive?

We met at the doctor's office.  I was already in ultrasound when he arrived.  My right ovary looked good, it did last time. Perfect timing for Travis to walk in while she was just about to look at the left ovary. I needed his support. 

Two large empty follicles remained on the left side.

The doctor left the room for me to get dressed and meet her back in her office to review the options. The anxiety I had felt leading up to this appointment! Two rounds of the Nuvaring, 7 weeks leading up to find out if we could move forward or have to wait longer. To discover it was still not primed, I could not hold back the tears. Okay, got that out. 

Sat in the doctor's office and she gave us two choices. Neither sat right with us. 

The weight of the decision felt physically heavy. So unclear.  Should we take the steps to make things look as good as possible and then try? Or move forward with about 12% less room in my ovaries for new follicle growth? Is it that much of a risk since I stimulated so well last time? Which is choice is better? Will we regret  one choice over the other?

She stepped out to consult with the nurse. While she was gone, I took the opportunity to cry again. Okay, got that out.

The doctor came back in with a third option; leaving the Nuvaring in for another week, taking it out, having my period, and then coming back for a baseline ultrasound. By then, the two empty follicles should have shrunk to a more manageable size.  As soon as it was presented, Travis and I both felt a peace. Not just peace but joy. It does not include additional medication and we are not settling. 

As our doctor walked us out, I turned around and hugged her.  She is so sweet.  She looked at me right in the eyes and said, 'It's gonna work this time. You are going to get pregnant.' I never get tired of hearing her say that. It's her job. I get it.  But she means it in her eyes and she says it with much compassion. That's what I love about her.  She treats me as an individual, works the best plan for us, and really cares.

Travis and I left much lighter than we went in.  So much so, we played hooky for the rest of the day from work (Travis' idea mom! he he he), came back home, swam in our pool (the pool we rarely use!), taught Ben to walk in to the first step of the pool, gave him a bath, and then headed to one of our favorite places, church. 

We have a plan.  The plan looks and feels good. The egg retrieval and implant will take place the end of September as all goes well. We would know before our 8th wedding anniversary on October 10th that we are pregnant. What a great way to spend our anniversary! One day at a time, Lauren.

Interesting how sometimes it hurts too much to look beyond today, and other days I want them to hurry up and come.  It's the process. That's life sometimes. Please don't judge me. 

A calendar, like last time will be posted once dates are more firm. 

Thank you for all the love and prayers!