We have always wanted a family. It was never a question of 'if' but 'when.'  When that question of 'when' turns into 'if,' it changes everything.  Life with infertility takes its toll. It is stressful. It is always there. It tested, on multiple times, the strength of our marriage.  

Travis is not the typical husband. I am completely convinced. When I am in pain I push away. It just encourages him that much more to pursue me.  It hurts him to see me upset. It has taken a lot for us to learn how to communicate about something that touches our hearts so closely. Many times we have looked at each other and said with tears in our eyes, "We never thought 8 years ago, it would turn out like this."

This past week, Travis' parents generously sent us to Blue Ridge, Georgia for a mini-vacation. We got married in Blue Ridge. On the drive up, I felt emotional. I opened up to Travis about my anxiety of seeing the place that was supposed to start our 'Happily Ever After.' That girl in the wedding dress saw nothing but blue skies. It was going to be perfect. The past almost 8 years of our marriage have been difficult. They have not been dreamy or ideal. I have had a lot of health problems, Travis has changed careers more than he would have liked, and the weight of infertility for the majority, has been a constant. 

We stayed over in Atlanta with Travis' high school and longtime friend, Brad.  It was nice to see them reminisce.  They talked about golf and club stats in warp speed.  He invited us to church. We visited North Point church. We loved it! During worship, they sang a song I had never heard before. Travis reached over and held my hand as the acoustic guitarist sang about looking back and seeing God's faithfulness. It took my breath away because God was answering my questions and anxiety about returning to Aska Farms. To view it as a reflection of his faithfulness to have brought us this far. I wasn't afraid anymore. God can do that to you.  Travis and him have a lot in common. They hold me well. 

Pictures to come of our visit. 

Meanwhile, I started my cycle while I was there. A very exciting mark on my calendar of 'Day 1!' Called my doctor's office to report in. Had a major altercation with the office staff.  I had to come in for an ultrasound on Day 2. Not possible since I'm in GA. 

In the end, it wasn't a big deal but instead of being nice about it, they got ugly. 

I cried. I was annoyed that I cried. 

"Why am I crying?" I asked Travis.

"Because it's close to your heart," he responded.

"That's so true." 

Everything is heightened when an issue concerns the heart. 

I spoke with their corporate office in Miami who generously told me it would be no problem to have the ultrasound in Naples when we returned. That was yesterday. Ultrasound looked good. No cysts. About 16 follicles in all. The doctor was very pleased and said anything over 10 is a plus. So, on Wednesday, we go back for our official 'IVF consult.'  This appointment will be with the doctor, nurse, Travis and myself. Everything is laid out on a calendar now that Day 1 happened. I started the Nuvaring on Day 3. Been slightly nauseas to very nausueas ever since. It should get better.  

Wednesday we will get the details of what comes next and I will of course, share them with you as the answer to 'when' gets a little bit closer. 

My last three posts have been kinda sad.

Sometimes this journey is sad. Today is not a sad day. I heard my mom's voice in my head telling me, "We'll do whatever it takes." She used to tell me that all the time growing up. It applies to this.
After the shock of all the stuff that goes along with IVF, today I can say, "Whatever it takes."

I don't like that my doctor thinks I am at high risk for miscarriages.

Tonight, at worship practice, it felt like each song spoke to me. Probably because I am at a place where I am yearning for more of God. I need him close. Really close. My hunger for him naturally makes me more sensitive to his voice.
We sang, "I wanna be near. Near to your heart. Heaven is real. Death is a lie. The great I AM. The great I AM. The great I AM!"

I looked up in the stands, dead center, and it felt like God was right there. In his majesty. Nothing can stand against his name. Nothing is too big. Infertility is a little weakling. Miscarriage does not have the final word. Those babies are in heaven. It was comforting.

One of my friends, Yulia surprised me tonight. I told her about how I might miss choir Sunday (I direct choir) because it will be the first Sunday in July. We will most likely be in Miami for the embryo transfer. She welled up with tears and said I was going to be a great mom.

Being a mom seems surreal. Not to her. She saw it!

God has brought people into our lives to be a support during this time. It's not selfish to say we need it!

Thank you for all your kind words and love! They lift us up.

Today, I spent an hour and a half with our fertility doctor this morning. Travis was at work.

We reviewed all the preliminary testing results, she explained IVF 101 and how it pertained to us, and finished it off meeting with the office coordinator who gave me a tentative calendar for the next couple of months.

About five minutes into the conversation, I asked for a blank piece of paper to take notes. Filled up the whole front and half the back trying to remember everything to tell Travis and for me to process later.
It was a lot.

When I say a lot, I mean a lot. I mean overwhelming. More than what I was expecting. Just when most of the day passed, I left work and was on my way to my hair appointment. Side note, I so love getting my hair done. I have so much! If we had a lot of money, I would be like my old lady volunteers and get my hair done bi-weekly!

Anyways, I was on my way and saw I missed a call from our IVF doctor. Listened to the message. She sounded very upbeat as she said, "Call me back! We came up with a plan!"

Calling her back, I naively was just as excited until she said, "We are writing the book with you! Lauren, I have consulted the National Health Institute (NHI - where she received her training) and several of my colleagues.  I did not have any patient appointments after you came in and spent the whole day doing research and contacting  some of the brightest minds in fertility treatments." My stomach sank.

See, I have had too many 'health mysteries' in my life. We won't get into them but trust me, I have heard more than once, "We've never seen this before!" Hearing that as a patient is not comforting.

Later, as I told Travis everything he looked as stunned as I did. He went into CVS. I told him to bring me back chocolate. Plain M&M's would be ideal. While he was inside, I cried out to God. My tears flowed easily, "God, I'm scared. I'm not sure if I can go through with this.  I just need you to hold me right now. I'm really scared."

Travis came back and I cried some more. He held my hand on the way home. I told him to tell me it would be okay. He did.

This is basically it in as much as a nutshell I can manage with what we discovered today.  I will use bullet points because I like 'em.

• The endometriosis test came back negative.  I have a history of it but do not currently have it. We are back at 'unexplained infertility.' Glad I don't have it.  Thank you Jesus!
• My ANA was positive. This means I have inflammation in my body.  My first reaction was, "Well, my shoulders are probably still swollen so that must be it." Not likely.
• I have a history of positive ANA's. Positive ANA's plus endometriosis triggers a word I never want to hear again, "Autoimmune." That word has been following me around way too long. It needs to go!
• Autoimmune properties are found in women who have repeated miscarriages. However, they do not run the tests until a woman has had about 3 miscarriages. Autoimmune fights your own body and impinges the growth of an embryo, thus the miscarriages. Also, another reason why every doctor, including her has said, most likely have been pregnant but never knew it because it never got past the initial stage. 
• Because I have had this history and proof of a positive ANA prior to treatment I am an unusual case.
• In my doctor's words, "I want to nip this thing in the bud before hand. No one should have to experience a miscarriage." Tears welled up in my eyes in gratitude for her being so human about it!
• This is where the book writing part comes in.
• I am 'unproven.' Meaning, I have yet to have a confirmed pregnancy. 
• I will be on the same treatment they give the women with several previous miscarriages.
• The only good news? This does not knock us off course for beginning in June. 

The next steps will be:

• Two more rounds of highly sophisticated blood panels they have to be sent to Chicago.
• Waiting for the results.

What we do know:

• The IVF process includes birth control for three weeks prior to stimulation.
• During stimulation, I will be getting 2-3 shots a day. Thankfully, I have two friends that are nurses and they generously agreed to help. 
• For the egg retrieval I will be under anesthesia. The process will take place in their Miami office. 
• We will drive back to Miami about a week and a half later for the embryo implant. Also will be put under anesthesia. 
• Side Note: Because of my severe reactions to anesthesia, my doctor is calling in the big guns. Meaning, the SWFL Anesthesia group rather than their office medical staff.
• After implanting the embryo, more shots, about 2 - 3 a day.
• On top of this:
• I will be taking anti-nausea pills several times a day because the hormone serge causes nausea in normal people. My stomach is highly sensitive. 
• I will be on steroids to combat inflammation.
• After the implant of the embryo, I will begin blood thinning medication to assist the placenta in feeding the embryo. 

This is why I need God to hold me. Hold both Travis and I.  It is a lot.

Do you know what it feels like? It feels like that nervous feeling you get right before the big drop on a roller coaster. You thought it was high, looking up from the ground when you passionately made the decision to get in line.  Then you're up there and realize just how high it is and you grip the handles a little tighter.  Feels like that but this roller coaster drop goes until the end of July.

God will be with us every step, carrying us just like the footprints in the sand picture.

The ending to my doctor's chapter on my story will be a happy one.

Happy Mother's Day to my mom and to all the mom's I know!

I am so happy I know so many great moms!  Our child or children will be perfect in every way so naturally we will be perfect parents! Obviously, we have been waiting this long because God is curving tempers, adding patience, ideal sleep patterns and good behavior to our child so our parenting will be a breeze!

Kidding! But at least you are in our lives to help us and that makes me happy!

Yesterday, at work, I said 'Happy Mother's Day' to a lot of ladies and will tomorrow at church as well. They said 'thank you' with a smile and then inevitably the awkward pause as they wonder whether to say it back because they are not sure if we have children or they catch the return greeting coming out of their mouths because they know we do not.
It's okay, I still say it because I am happy for them. The best thing to say back is 'thank you.'

Then it comes:
"Do you have any children?"
"No" (I used to say 'Not yet' but it opened a whole other conversation and advice I did not want to get into.)
"Do you have a pet?"
"Yes, we have a dog."
"Well then Happy Mother's Day because you have a dog." Ouch.

Yes, having Ben, by no exaggeration, has been a huge help in our natural desire to nurture something. However, he is not our child and does not qualify me to celebrate Mother's Day. I know people are trying to be nice and we are not offended.  We smile and take it in stride because people are trying to be nice.

Let me put it this way, on national 'Pet Day' we do not go up to a mom and say 'Happy National Pet Day' because they have a son or daughter.  On some levels it is degrading. Clearly, Ben is a dog not our son. We love him to pieces but saying that we are 'parents' is a stretch and pretending like we are for the holidays is embarrassing.

However, I will get a present and card from Ben tomorrow!

Mother's Day, as you can imagine can be a rough holiday, but believe it or not it is not any more than Father's Day, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, or especially, birthdays and anniversaries. These are big family-centered holidays and more importantly a big landmark.

Ever been driving for any amount of time and you know you're lost because you've come across the same landmark you've seen before? Frustrated because you have not made any progress since the last time you saw it.

Well holidays and birthdays, at least for us, can be very difficult because the year prior we were sure we would not have to go through the same holiday again without having children. We say to ourselves, "Next year, when we celebrate Mother's Day, we will have our own baby! How exciting it will be?" It helps get through some of the isolation we feel.

After this long, you may think "Why would you set yourself up for that and then it doesn't happen and its even more devastating?" Well, each year we think, "This (infertility) can't go on much longer, surely next year we will have a baby." Also why, each November, we opt for the highest insurance coverage at my work because it will cover delivery at 100%.  Each year, we think, this is the year. Honestly, we should think that way! I will probably cry tomorrow at some point and that's okay. It's part of the grieving process and is healthy not to ignore the pain. Crying because this landmark looks the same as last year and to feel the loss.  Then, I will get to the place of having hope again!  Having hope and believing it will get better.
Psalm 27:13 AMP  [What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living!

Since Travis and I said our vows, we have had many beginnings and ends in our journey, as life should. The obvious ones such career changes and moving, and then there is one that we have yet to finish; infertility.
That is not to say we will not finish it. We will.
To those we love, and who may not have seen the depth of the pain the last five years of actively trying to conceive has caused us, I'm glad. It was not pretty.  Without getting into all the crazy emotions of it, below are the facts.

To bring you up to speed:

In November of 2006 - 2007 went off birth control, timed my cycle online, through taking my temperature every morning, and other record keeping methods.

2008 - Started clomid, still aggressively charting my cycles. Stayed on clomid for 8 months. Too many negative pregnancy tests to count.

2009 - Sought out our first fertility treatment and encountered what we now call, the worst fertility doctor ever.  Drove to Tampa to have an HCG performed.  Told us the devastating news that my tubes were blocked and would never conceive naturally. We shared a towel on the way home as we wept. Never saw that doctor again. Continued to try on our own. Too many negative pregnancy tests to count.

2010 - Following the advice of my OBG/YN, had a laparoscopy performed. Diagnosis; endometriosis, which he zapped away and Fallopian tube flush. I remember a nurse in post-op telling me my tubes opened up and crying with relief! For the next 6 months we again, aggressively charted my cycle and went back on clomid.  Too many negative pregnancy tests to count. Getting tired of crying.

2011 - Stopped clomid. Sought out new fertility specialist who did not do IVF, but instead focused on IUI's (Intrauterine Insemination).  Seven stimulated cycles, lots of weekly appointment, tests, monitoring and hormone shots, no success. One IUI, no success.

We requested information from an agency on international adoptions. We have always had a heart for adoption and still believe it will be apart of our lives someday. As we looked at the packet and held it in our hands, we did not have a peace about it.  The timing was off.
My new OBG/YN, Dr. Miller (family friend of Travis') stopped me in the hall at the hospital (I see her in the halls all the time) and suggested we visit a new clinic in town. She said she had a lot of babies come to her from the clinic and saw the quality of doctor's they had. I made an appointment.

July 2011 - Sitting across from the doctor, I heard something I had been waiting five years to hear.  See, up to this point, we had 'unexplained infertility.' How frustrating is that? No one could tell us, after the laparoscopy why we still were not conceiving. "The reason you have not been able to conceive is because you have endometriosis," she said matter-a-factly.  Well, duh. Tell me something I don't know, and she did. "Endometriosis creates a hostile environment for the egg and sperm so they do not connect. You are an ideal candidate for IVF because it bypasses 4 out of the 5 stages where it could get involved." Wow. I couldn't believe it. For the first time, I was open to IVF because there was a real reason and finally, a real answer.

September 2011 - discovered bersitis, bone spurs, and shoulder impingement were the reason for my persistant shoulder pain two years running. Put off starting IVF until after the surgeries. Not an easy decision but knew it had to be done so I could hold our future baby without pain.

December 30, 2011 - Right shoulder surgery.

January 2012 - met with the fertility doctor again to chart out a plan to start IVF in June.

April 6, 2012 - Left shoulder surgery. Four days after insurance cleared me to have the next surgery. Most people wait 6 months in between but I did not have time to lose!

Late April to current - Completed prelimary testing for IVF. For me: two rounds of bloodwork, timed with my cycle, two ultrasounds, and a saline flush of my uterus. Travis: sperm sample.

Infertility is coming to an end soon and for this part, we want to keep you informed.
Some entries may be more detailed than you would like to know. For my fellow IVF friends, you will understand the jargon and the emotions. Others may sound more like a page in our journal, which it is.  We are using this blog as a way to give out information and to talk out what's going on with us.

It is easier to write about our upcoming venture into in vetro fertilization than talk about it. We ask that you please do not ask us about it in person unless we bring it up. If you would like to know how we are doing, please first check this blog.  I say that in the nicest way possible.  Sometimes we can't talk about it because it's hard. If you feel like offering support verbally when we are together, just let us know by saying you are thinking of us and praying for us. Plus, hugs go a long way!

IVF is not new. Lots of couples have done it. To us, it's new and personal.

It's not sad. Scary? Yes. Nerve racking? Yes. Exciting? Yes!  It's a happy time and we are going to celebrate it along the way!

God is with us and I know he carried us the last 5 years. No doubt. He is our more than enough and will see us through the end of infertility in our lives. He is our Redeemer. The best is yet to come, baby! Literally!

Lots of love,
Lauren