Today, I spent an hour and a half with our fertility doctor this morning. Travis was at work.

We reviewed all the preliminary testing results, she explained IVF 101 and how it pertained to us, and finished it off meeting with the office coordinator who gave me a tentative calendar for the next couple of months.

About five minutes into the conversation, I asked for a blank piece of paper to take notes. Filled up the whole front and half the back trying to remember everything to tell Travis and for me to process later.
It was a lot.

When I say a lot, I mean a lot. I mean overwhelming. More than what I was expecting. Just when most of the day passed, I left work and was on my way to my hair appointment. Side note, I so love getting my hair done. I have so much! If we had a lot of money, I would be like my old lady volunteers and get my hair done bi-weekly!

Anyways, I was on my way and saw I missed a call from our IVF doctor. Listened to the message. She sounded very upbeat as she said, "Call me back! We came up with a plan!"

Calling her back, I naively was just as excited until she said, "We are writing the book with you! Lauren, I have consulted the National Health Institute (NHI - where she received her training) and several of my colleagues.  I did not have any patient appointments after you came in and spent the whole day doing research and contacting  some of the brightest minds in fertility treatments." My stomach sank.

See, I have had too many 'health mysteries' in my life. We won't get into them but trust me, I have heard more than once, "We've never seen this before!" Hearing that as a patient is not comforting.

Later, as I told Travis everything he looked as stunned as I did. He went into CVS. I told him to bring me back chocolate. Plain M&M's would be ideal. While he was inside, I cried out to God. My tears flowed easily, "God, I'm scared. I'm not sure if I can go through with this.  I just need you to hold me right now. I'm really scared."

Travis came back and I cried some more. He held my hand on the way home. I told him to tell me it would be okay. He did.

This is basically it in as much as a nutshell I can manage with what we discovered today.  I will use bullet points because I like 'em.

• The endometriosis test came back negative.  I have a history of it but do not currently have it. We are back at 'unexplained infertility.' Glad I don't have it.  Thank you Jesus!
• My ANA was positive. This means I have inflammation in my body.  My first reaction was, "Well, my shoulders are probably still swollen so that must be it." Not likely.
• I have a history of positive ANA's. Positive ANA's plus endometriosis triggers a word I never want to hear again, "Autoimmune." That word has been following me around way too long. It needs to go!
• Autoimmune properties are found in women who have repeated miscarriages. However, they do not run the tests until a woman has had about 3 miscarriages. Autoimmune fights your own body and impinges the growth of an embryo, thus the miscarriages. Also, another reason why every doctor, including her has said, most likely have been pregnant but never knew it because it never got past the initial stage. 
• Because I have had this history and proof of a positive ANA prior to treatment I am an unusual case.
• In my doctor's words, "I want to nip this thing in the bud before hand. No one should have to experience a miscarriage." Tears welled up in my eyes in gratitude for her being so human about it!
• This is where the book writing part comes in.
• I am 'unproven.' Meaning, I have yet to have a confirmed pregnancy. 
• I will be on the same treatment they give the women with several previous miscarriages.
• The only good news? This does not knock us off course for beginning in June. 

The next steps will be:

• Two more rounds of highly sophisticated blood panels they have to be sent to Chicago.
• Waiting for the results.

What we do know:

• The IVF process includes birth control for three weeks prior to stimulation.
• During stimulation, I will be getting 2-3 shots a day. Thankfully, I have two friends that are nurses and they generously agreed to help. 
• For the egg retrieval I will be under anesthesia. The process will take place in their Miami office. 
• We will drive back to Miami about a week and a half later for the embryo implant. Also will be put under anesthesia. 
• Side Note: Because of my severe reactions to anesthesia, my doctor is calling in the big guns. Meaning, the SWFL Anesthesia group rather than their office medical staff.
• After implanting the embryo, more shots, about 2 - 3 a day.
• On top of this:
• I will be taking anti-nausea pills several times a day because the hormone serge causes nausea in normal people. My stomach is highly sensitive. 
• I will be on steroids to combat inflammation.
• After the implant of the embryo, I will begin blood thinning medication to assist the placenta in feeding the embryo. 

This is why I need God to hold me. Hold both Travis and I.  It is a lot.

Do you know what it feels like? It feels like that nervous feeling you get right before the big drop on a roller coaster. You thought it was high, looking up from the ground when you passionately made the decision to get in line.  Then you're up there and realize just how high it is and you grip the handles a little tighter.  Feels like that but this roller coaster drop goes until the end of July.

God will be with us every step, carrying us just like the footprints in the sand picture.

The ending to my doctor's chapter on my story will be a happy one.