Yesterday and today, I have been daydreaming.  Looking backwards from the future.

To look back on this difficult time. With Travis and I, parents, looking back on the hard time of infertility, IUI's, and IVF's.  When I see a couple our age with a baby I think, they may have gone through infertility.  There is a forever soft spot in my heart for people who have gone through what we have. 

It is a fact. Three out of 10 couples are experiencing or have experienced infertility. That's a lot. I wish more people were sensitive to that fact.  Yesterday, I spoke to a woman, who through association of mutual friends, knew we were trying.  For some reason, she felt the need to tell me of a friend she had who tried and tried and never could get pregnant. Finally, she relaxed and got pregnant at 42.  I snapped back at her, 'Well, we've been trying for 6 years and I can tell you there have been moments of relaxation (how rude for you to bring it up!). We are being treated medically by a professional.' Stupid woman! I didn't say the rude or stupid part but I felt like it.  

I will never again ask a couple I just met if they have kids.  Trust me. If they have children, it will be mentioned in only a matter of time in conversation. The pain it causes to ask the question to a couple going through infertility is not worth it!

I will never give advice to parents because I have not been one.  Neither should someone who has never been where I have give ridiculous advice. Relax?  You relax. 

The sting of those words makes me angry. I should have said, "Please let this be the last time you tell this story to someone who is going through infertility. It is not about being relaxed.  Medically speaking, being relaxed has nothing to do with it.  If you want to say anything just say I am sorry to hear that. I am praying for you."  Thinking of something better to say always happens to me after the fact!

As you can tell, I have not gotten to the place of letting people's ignorance slide by and just give them the benefit of the doubt for trying to help.  Obviously they have told other people which is evident by the sheer enthusiasm they tell their unsolicited advice.  Someone needs to stop them!  In a nice way of course.  "You may not be aware but what you are saying is just plain mean!"

That didn't sound so nice. I'll work on it. 

In the meantime, lady, deep breath, I forgive you for your ignorance. I forgive you and all the future people who will say stupid things to come. Lord knows I have said things I regret.  God give me the right words to say in response.  Something better than the above. 

Here's the update:

Good numbers today! We are getting to some meaty stuff now.  12 follicles on the right. 10 on the left. Ranging in size from 5 - 11 mm.  The average size was 8 mm. They are growing strong and steady.  Tonight we start the 3rd shot which slows their growth down.  This is different from the last time because we are starting this sooner to keep a steady eye on their progression.
Still taking the Pregnitude morning and night and now three shots given by Nicole at our usual time of 6:30 p.m.

Doctor's appointment on Saturday for more blood work and another ultrasound.  We are on day 6 of stimulation.  10 - 12 days is what we expect. More to come. 

This time feels different. It's probably all in my head. The shots hurt more. Sting more. The whole thing hurts more than last time. The IVF fits more into my normal this time than something extraordinary.

The ultrasound and blood work went good today.  There is some blood in my uterine lining that will probably dry up by Thursday's appointment and both ovaries have 3 - 4 small 4mm follicles.  It is a good thing that they are both even. It is still really early and at this stage and we want small follicles so they grow slow and steady.

I will feel more excited later. When we get past where we were last time. Right now it feels 'eh. Deep sigh. The process. Pregnitude in the morning. Pregnitude in the evening. Stimulation shots at 6:30 p.m. Repeat.

If I could be so liberal to diagnose my own feelings it would sound like this;  because there is not a newness to balance out the 'ouch' from the shots, 'ouch' from the blood work and repetitiveness of the doctor's appointments I am feeling blah. That's my sophisticated and professional opinion!

It will get better. Probably the hormones talking. This is my blog and I get to write what I want.

To quote my doctor today, 'We are hoping for good news from here on out.'  Today was good news. My left ovary was completely healed up. No empty follicles.  A few new tiny (5 mm) follicles in both ovaries but that is normal. When I heard the news it took me a while to be feel happy about it. Even now, I am not reeling with enthusiasm for the weeks ahead.  Must be emotional depleatedness. Yes, I made that up. It means emotionally tired.

Most likely the bloodwork taken today will come back normal (looking for low estrogen levels) so we are planning on starting tomorrow.  The shots were ordered today and will be overnighted to get it in time for tomorrow evening; Day 1 of stimulation.  Kinda cool that it will be starting on September 1st. Makes it easier to count stimulation days. A minor thing.  But it made me smile as I noticed it when we were reviewing the calendar.  Speaking of the calendar.

So here it is. Here we are again. Getting the green light to try again. And try again we shall. 

"The sun will come out tomorrow. Betchyour bottom dollar that tomorrow they'll be sun. Just thinking about tomorrow clears away the (something) and the sorrow 'till there's none. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. I love you tomorrow you're only a day away."

This is the opposite of how I'm feeling. I am dreading tomorrow. I should be happy but I'm nervous. 

Started my period today. Now we start counting. 

Day 1. 

Called it in to the doctor's office. 

Tomorrow, I go in for another ultrasound to see how much smaller those two pesty empty follicles have shrunk.  

Talking with my doctor tonight, expressing her 'in my professional opinion' scenario, she wants to wait to move on until my left ovary is completely healed; no empty follicles at all. Wow. That is a tall order. A little over a week ago we were at 25%, now she wants 0% moving forward.  

The question in mind is what I focused on in my previous blog. Is it worth it to wait? Probably not since I have a very strong reaction to stimulation and the 5,7, or 10% of real estate being taken up by empty follicles  is going to be a non-issue. 

So we wait until tomorrow to see how things look. Did they shrink? How much did they shrink? Are we ready?  God is going to have to give me a lot of peace if they have not shrunk and they want me to do another round of birth control. In case you have lost count, that's 3 rounds of 3 weeks of birth control. No thank you! 

The worst part? The not so nice nurse will be doing the ultrasound and bloodwork because my doctor will be in surgery. Sucky!  However, my doctor is still going to call me to give her opinion of the ultrasound images.  

More to come. Tomorrow. 

All day at work, both Travis and I felt the same.  When will 2 o'clock arrive?

We met at the doctor's office.  I was already in ultrasound when he arrived.  My right ovary looked good, it did last time. Perfect timing for Travis to walk in while she was just about to look at the left ovary. I needed his support. 

Two large empty follicles remained on the left side.

The doctor left the room for me to get dressed and meet her back in her office to review the options. The anxiety I had felt leading up to this appointment! Two rounds of the Nuvaring, 7 weeks leading up to find out if we could move forward or have to wait longer. To discover it was still not primed, I could not hold back the tears. Okay, got that out. 

Sat in the doctor's office and she gave us two choices. Neither sat right with us. 

The weight of the decision felt physically heavy. So unclear.  Should we take the steps to make things look as good as possible and then try? Or move forward with about 12% less room in my ovaries for new follicle growth? Is it that much of a risk since I stimulated so well last time? Which is choice is better? Will we regret  one choice over the other?

She stepped out to consult with the nurse. While she was gone, I took the opportunity to cry again. Okay, got that out.

The doctor came back in with a third option; leaving the Nuvaring in for another week, taking it out, having my period, and then coming back for a baseline ultrasound. By then, the two empty follicles should have shrunk to a more manageable size.  As soon as it was presented, Travis and I both felt a peace. Not just peace but joy. It does not include additional medication and we are not settling. 

As our doctor walked us out, I turned around and hugged her.  She is so sweet.  She looked at me right in the eyes and said, 'It's gonna work this time. You are going to get pregnant.' I never get tired of hearing her say that. It's her job. I get it.  But she means it in her eyes and she says it with much compassion. That's what I love about her.  She treats me as an individual, works the best plan for us, and really cares.

Travis and I left much lighter than we went in.  So much so, we played hooky for the rest of the day from work (Travis' idea mom! he he he), came back home, swam in our pool (the pool we rarely use!), taught Ben to walk in to the first step of the pool, gave him a bath, and then headed to one of our favorite places, church. 

We have a plan.  The plan looks and feels good. The egg retrieval and implant will take place the end of September as all goes well. We would know before our 8th wedding anniversary on October 10th that we are pregnant. What a great way to spend our anniversary! One day at a time, Lauren.

Interesting how sometimes it hurts too much to look beyond today, and other days I want them to hurry up and come.  It's the process. That's life sometimes. Please don't judge me. 

A calendar, like last time will be posted once dates are more firm. 

Thank you for all the love and prayers!

Today is Saturday.  Saturday is a day when things slow down for me.  I have time to reflect, think, and process.  Lately they have been days sitting at my piano, singing, worshiping, and wishing my skills on the keys matched what I wanted to play.  For now, it is still a good outlet.  I walk by that spot every day and never touch the keys.  Something about Saturdays.  Time. Not being rushed and just sitting down and playing whatever I know how to play.  It is a steadiness I can always come back to; not to be shared in public but just between me, God, and sometimes Ben when he is perched on the stairs.

Friends ask how I am feeling. Emotional. Unbalanced some days. What does normal Lauren feel like?  I miss her. It seems like forever since I have been 'clean' from some kind of medication, stimulation, or hormone. Is it the hormones speaking or the heaviness of this process or both?

I am confident Travis is ready for normal Lauren to come back too. I am convinced the most important three words in marriage is not 'I love you' but 'I am sorry.'  It makes me sad that I am not more steady for him. If you think about it, the past 6 years of our marriage have been a struggle with this thing.  Just me and him. Routine. Too many tears and that makes me sad to think about.  For him and for us. It has stolen from us. Lately, my prayers to God have been simple and honest. More childlike than ever before. I don't know what I'm doing. I need your help. Thank you. 

Yet, in the midst of this, somehow He is using me.  The lead that has been given to me on my worship team for the 'Revelation Song' could not have come at a better time.  In the waiting, I can practice on exalting him and leading others.  There is nothing better. It is so amazing leading people into the presence of God. He shows up every time.  I am humbled He is using me in my mess!  That's how He does it. 

Here's the update:

Our next appointment is on Wednesday at 2 p.m. It is for an ultrasound to see if the follicles have shrunk down.  The goal is to have both ovaries with less than 7% full of old follicles.  If they are we will move forward, take out the Nuvaring, have my period, and on day 10 (ish), I will start the stimulation. If not, my doctor will put me on a medication to further calm my ovaries. The reason she did not put me on it this time is because the effects take longer to clear, meaning it can further lengthen the stimulation portion (shots and meds).  

The first part of July was when the transfer was to take place now we are looking at October possibly. It is a long time when you add six years of waiting to the front of it.  

Not poor me.  It's just temporary.  Seeing long term is too difficult today. I am living in today. Right now. Right now I'm on birth control still and am waiting for my next doctor's appointment. 

Not what we wanted to hear!
My ovaries have not quieted down enough. So much so that I need to continue with a new NuvaRing (birth control) for 3 weeks. Ugh! What? No! That sucks.

Not only that but after the three weeks, take it out, have a period, call in my 'Cycle Day 1' to the office, wait five days, have our consult appointment, ten days after that, start stimulation. So we're looking at the middle-end part of September for stimulation. End of September, first week of October for retrieval and implant.

Here are the facts:
My right ovary is still about 1/4 full of follicles.
My left ovary is 3/4 full of follicles.
Birth control stops the growth of new follicles.
The only thing that shrinks the old follicles is time.
If we did IVF right now, new follicles would grow, but only so many and only as big as there is room for; so having old follicles take up so much room is no good.

More waiting.

We really thought we would get a green light this appointment.  We needed to move on. Staring at each other waiting for the next phase of this thing is getting old. Sad.

Laying on the table, looking at the monitor reminded me of what a great cycle I had last time and it really bummed me out all over again that I ovulated early. Everything looked perfect.

Now I have to take the anti-nausea medicine again that makes me super sleepy on top of cold medicine because I am still feeling sick. Listen, I am not happy about any of this!

I am not in the mood to be cheered up right now. I just need a moment to be bummed and upset.  This journal entry today is me venting and that's okay because I need to process.

To see God in the middle of the waiting. Not to waste this time complaining. Tomorrow will be better.