Relieved! Travis and I are breathing easier and feeling a strong sense of hope after our appointments at CCRM.

However leading up to that moment was tense. Wednesday morning we both spoke few words, cried a bit, and felt anxious with the full day of appoinments ahead of us. It was freezing with the 'feels like' temperature of 8 degrees. The drive from our hotel to their office was only a few minutes. It was snowing and being from Florida, Travis cautiously drove at about 30 mph.

The Center had high open ceilings, a tall water feature at its entrance and two receptionists at opposite ends of the lobby's width. Depending on which appointment we checked in for, we spent the day walking back and forth alternating each time with our check in for this appointment and that one.

The first appointment of the day was with legal to review our consent forms. As soon as we sat down in the woman's small office she asked us for which date our egg retrieval had been set.

We squirmed in our chairs and I said, "Our eggs are partially dead and we are just here for the one day work up and to meet with Dr. Schookcraft."

"Oh I am so sorry to hear that."
"Thank you."
"Oh, that is aweful. I have never heard of that before. Every time?"
"We have tried IVF twice."
"Oh, I am so sorry. How sad!"
"Yes, we have already felt the weight of the diagnosis."

She had not looked at our chart and her reaction, although kind was not how we wanted to start the day. So with the re-affirmation of how unheard of and pitiful our story was we were directed across the lobby to the other reception desk and checked in to meet with the doctor.

Another small office, not too sterile feeling; calm blue walls lined the space and we sat in the silver and blue patterned chairs. Brochures on the wall, an open window, and modern desk were also in the office.

It was as if we had been holding our breath for this moment. I pulled the tissues from the display table and placed them on the desk infront of me. The anticipation of the moment overwhelmed me and I started to cry. It was a pretty cry. Just a few tears to release the pressure cooker of emotions I felt inside.

The doctor came in and was just as pleasant if not more so than on the phone. He briefly reviewed our history, inserting our names whenever possible. One of our main questions was if other people who had cases like ours were successful doing IVF using their own eggs. We were confident probably none had, it had not been heard of, or they all gave up or used donor eggs.

Pretty quickly into the conversation he said,"I strongly suggest doing another round of IVF. It would be worth it. I just had a call with a woman who had a case like yours, we did my regimine and she had 25 eggs resulting in 3 good eggs. She now has a 1 year old son and is coming back to do another round. Doing another round of IVF will either give us the exact same results as your previous cycle or give us a few viable eggs to use. Either way you will know for sure but I do not think it is time to give up."

"Well that is good news!" I practically yelled.

Travis and I both exhaled. Travis asked about the percentage of success. He responded with "about fifty, fifty." Fifty percent had the exact same result and fifty percent developed good eggs and got pregnant. We were elated to say the least. We talked about more technical things and the process of 'if and then's' which is too long to explain here.

His approach is aggressive and very thorough. He takes his time to make sure we have the best chance possible. It was the way he talked, so relaxed but confidently, which
was contagious.

We were so happy. I was happy. Travis was happy I was happy.
Here is a video of us explaining it.

That was about 9 a.m.

Until 3:30 p.m. we spent the majority of the day in tests and meetings:

1.) Hysteroscopy. Results were clear uterus. Yay.
2.) HSG. Results were both tubes clear and open. Yay. Test was painful but worth it.
3.) Ultrasound. Results were a bunch of follicles (which I normally have). Yay. Got to see a 3D image of my ovaries which was pretty cool. All of the equipment is state-of-the-art.
4.) Travis gave his sample. Results will come later. Not concerned.
5.) Business office meeting bringing everything to reality using dollar signs.
6.) Blood tests. Results will come later. Not concerned.
7.) Last meeting of the day was with our IVF nurse.

Everyone was so kind, accomodating, friendly, personable, and funny. Just cannot say enough about how great everyone was except our nurse. She was not so impressive or professional. No offense to people being young in their profession because I know how that feels but she did not look a day over 24 and mumbled something aweful. What? Can you repeat that? I seriously considered walking out and asking for someone else. Knowing that would humiliate Travis, I refrained. We have 3 nurses assigned to us so I will be sure to avoid using her as much as possible.

Now we wait 'till the test results come back. Then they will contact us to set up a phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft again. The tentative plan is to be on his vitamin and suppliment schedule for 3 months, birth control for one month, (they may overlap), and then begin IVF; shots, bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc. Then a few days before the egg retrieval I will travel back to Colorado for monitoring, then Travis will fly up to join me for the egg retrieval, and depending on how that goes (long story short; if my egg maturity and uterus are in sync) he will do the embryo transfer 3-5 days later or freeze them and ask me to come back a month later for the implant.

The bloodwork and ultrasound monitoring will happen with my old IVF clinic here. They will send updates to Dr. Schookcraft's office. If all goes well we plan to start IVF in June or July.

This is it folks. Our best shot! We are giving it our all.

Believing that the worst eggs are going to turn into the best eggs. That we will get pregnant and carry a healthy baby full term. Thank you for your prayers and support as we hope for the best!

We arrived late last night in Denver.  After a long flight, which included a woman a half a dozen rows in front of us loosing her lunch in the isle, a situation you would never want to happen in a confined space with shared air and no windows!  Thank God for coffee grinds which the staff poured on it to eliviate the stench.

We waited outside to get picked up for our rental car and felt all 22 degrees of the Denver weather greeting us.

Recieved a call from one of the nurses at CCRM pushing our initial appointment time back from 7 a.m. to 8:30 a.m. due to the weather.  Happy for that!  Especially since I did not sleep at all last night.  The ice machine must be on the other side of wall because every time I was just about to drift off I heard it.  Of all the things I forgot to pack were my earplugs!

Anyways, the nurse reviewed the itinerary with us and it was a lot less testing than I originally thought and still not sure how I feel about it. We have appointments with Dr.Schoolcraft, our nurse, billing, legal, hysteroscopy, blood tests, Travis' tests, and then a phone consult with Dr.Schoolcraft sometime later.

They never told me of additional testing but in my head I was expecting more.  This is what the guy is famous for and based on our criteria there is not anything on there we have not had done before.  Like I told Travis when we were processing this yesterday, I would still go through with it.  Even though they have been done before, they have not been looked at by the top guy in the country.  This is step 1 to moving on.  There is no other option.  Unfortunately it is very expensive and that burden is ever-present. What we cannot afford is more time.

I am happy to be here.  Not like vacation happy because this is not fun.  People have told me to 'have fun!' 'have a great time.'  This is an extreme example but what comes to mind is like telling a cancer patient that has to travel for chemotherapy to have fun.  Our reason for being here is heavy, it is sad, it sucks, and I would much rather not have to be here.

Seeing snow on the ground does not override being 31, spending this kind of money, and having to see a national specialist on something so dear to our existance.

Going to the Colorado Center of Reproductive Medicine is a big deal.  The emotions I had to set aside until now are coming to a head.

I am scared.  I am nervous.  I am sad.  I am anxious.  I have butterflies in my stomach.

I am comforted by this one thing; Jesus is with us.

I have pictured him literally walking next to us.  What we need of Him today is just to be present.  Because of His promises we know He is.

Since my last post, we have had to find the strength to push toward moving on with wanting to start a family.

In agreement with our local IVF doctor and recommended by friends, we sought out the top IVF physician in the country; Dr. Schoolcraft in Colorado. He has been on Oprah, Dr. Phil, and I knew of him through watching the reality show of  Guilianna & Bill. The waitlist was over a month long for a 15 -30 minute phone consult with him.  It was free.  All we had to do was fill out tons of paperwork and wait for the call.

Our call was last Friday at 9:15 a.m. our time.  My boss was gracious when I told her about it and went into work late. Travis did the same.
I could not sleep past 6 a.m. I had my phone ring on as high as it would go. He called. I put the phone on speaker as Travis and I sat on the edge of our bed listening to what he had to say. He was super nice.
"Good morning, Lauren.  This is Dr. Schoolcraft. How are you today?"

"Good. Thank you so much for your time this morning!" Relieved he was so personable.

"Tell me about your fertility journey."

"How much time do we have on this call?"

He had our file so I didn't want to go into too much detail. I wanted to hear his opinion as soon as possible.
With kindness in his voice he said, "Well Lauren I am sure you have heard this before...and I am sorry to say...Your case is extremely rare...something something...Your eggs are your eggs....Your best option is an egg donor."

Remembering my eggs are 'partially dead' I slid down the bed to the floor, sitting and holding my knees to my chest. I starting tearing up because I would never want to do an egg donor.  An egg donor means I would never have a child that looks like me, sounds like me, or maybe gets my singing voice. The baby that we have always imagined in our heads. Would they have Travis' big brown eyes and my nose? Or his long eye lashes and my thick blonde hair? That loss immediately washed over me.  I wanted to break down right then but stayed as strong as possible for the rest of the call.

He took a long pause and then went on.

"Unfortunately, we do not know why your eggs are the way they are and there is no cure."

He did not say anything else, probably letting that sink in.  I could hardly believe it. The top doctor in the country and recognized worldwide is telling us this.  I probably still cannot believe it.

"If you were me, what would you do?"

"Well, since your eggs have only been seen through IVF one time, I would do another cycle of IVF. Each cycle varies and we might be able to get one or two good eggs out of, for example, the 24 you produced last time. I would consider that a poor cycle with those odds but if you conceived with that one or two eggs, obviously you would consider it a good cycle. Then, if that did not work, I would do an IVM which is where we do not use stimulation meds and grow your eggs in the lab. Sometimes it works with people who do not respond to IVF. Then, I would do an egg donor."

He went on.

"Lauren, I do not want to over promise or over estimate the success of any of these procedures."

My teary voice pushed through, "We appreciate that."

Surprised he had not mentioned it before, I asked if it would be okay if I came for his two-day work-up that he is famous for. He said he would arrange it with his lead nurse and she would be in touch later that morning. We thanked him again and hung up.

Travis met me on the floor. I fell into him. He wrapped his arms around me and we sobbed together.  I looked up at him and I said, this is so much harder with the recent announcement of my sister's pregnancy with her third child. Why is it so hard for us? So hard!  We may never have a biological child of me and him together. That's only natural. I don't think we are asking for too much.

The nurse called me later that morning and sent me more forms to fill out.  She emailed me and assigned me to another two nurses who would be our primary contacts in Colorado. The two-day work-up would be timed with my cycle. Tickets for Colorado in January are outrageous so we will be planning to go sometime in February if it all works out.

Then came Thanksgiving. Travis and I spent it together and cooked with all the trimmings. Ate over candlelight.  When we prayed in thanksgiving for our meal, we prayed for our future and for our hearts that we felt were broken.  We both teared up.  We then raised our glasses, made a toast to our future, and enjoyed our delicious meal we made!

See, that is part of our life now that we have grown into and I am proud of us! It is okay to cry when life is sad.

There is healing in crying.

Better than stuffing it down, ignoring it, or trying to quickly move on.

When something is going on so deeply with us, it feels like rejection when our pain is passed by.

It has taken Travis and I a long time to learn this.  Taking time to cry a few tears, or a lot.  It makes it much easier to be truly happy after the tears have dried than stuffing them down and faking happiness.

We appreciate those who are not afraid of our tears. It brings comfort, in response if they cry with us, share how they feel about us, our situation, and in sincerity love us right where we are at.  Engaging in that moment of stillness and sorrow.

We understand people, friends and family are at a loss on how to deal with our repeated sadness.  Trust me, we would rather a different outcome too!  Right now, it completely and undeniably sucks big time!  Believe it or not, we still have tears available to cry.  I cannot see it from here but have to hope their is end to our mourning.

For now, just like thousands of times before, we wait. Wait until we go to Colorado, have the testing done, and again meet with Dr. Schoolcraft.

The news we received a little over a week ago has taken center stage in our world.  It doesn't end here.  We move forward because the alternative is not an option.

This week, we sat down with our fertility doctor and saw for the first time, my abnormal eggs. They were pitiful. I felt bad for whoever they belonged.  My name and date of birth tattooed on each picture.  "Those dark shadowed spots, is where the egg is dead," she said. My eggs were partially dead. The lining of the eggs were squiggled and sporadic.  It felt in a way good to see the pictures because it was proof and closure.

Faith:  I wish I could say, I am ready to press on with all strength and determination as ever but that is not true.  We are taking it one day at a time, trying not to be saddened by the length of days still ahead of us.    One thing we know for sure and has never been questioned is if God is doing this to us.  He is clear in the Bible that He brings life, is 100% good and wants the best for us. We can rest knowing He promises to bring us through it.

"Yea, tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me."

I didn't purposefully open up to read the twenty-third Psalm this morning.  But as I did, it read, "even though your eggs are partially dead, do not fear because I am with you."

God does not ask us to have big faith. That's good because lately mine has felt shallow. He says that if we have faith as small as a mustard seed and do not doubt, that anything will be possible. We believe and do not doubt that God is going to make something beautiful out of this craziness. We are not shouting amen or jumping up and down.  In our deepest hearts we have a knowing.

Hope:  Yesterday, my doctor called to tell me one of her colleagues suggested a  rare follicle rupture disorder.  Basically, it tells my body I ovulated but I don't.  The description profiles my case almost exactly.  Because it is so rare, there is very little information on it, and I do not even have enough to share with you that would make sense. There are other factors, like my general health that we are re-assessing as well. This upcoming week I will be contacting a specialist with USF to run a panel of tests.  Assessing if the past six years of my health; endometriosis, bursitis in both my shoulders, digestive health/food sensitivities, and now infertility point to something else that we can address before moving on.


Love:  Travis has shown me such fierce love!  I can easily stand in awe of his support and tenderness.  It is more than any fairy tail could shake a stick at. I am so thankful he is my husband!

"...but the greatest of these is love."

Thankful for God's love carrying us.

More to come...

This weekend was easily the worst ever!
I woke up in the middle of the night on Friday, realizing it was not a dream. This nightmare was real. I started sobbing. Travis rolled over and held me. Reality hit. Hard.  Tears flowed. Screamed. Prayed. Cried. Cried. and cried. The ugly, from my belly, silent sobbing kind of crying.  My eyes stung. I kept my cellphone close because the text messages from friends and family were comforting. Thank you!

Fast forward to today. Happy to go to work and get out of the sad house.

The two embryos never grew past where they started on Friday.

After giving me that news, my doctor and I spoke more about the information she had gathered from the embryologist.  Well, let me give you the good news first. The good news is, my uterus is young, I am able to ovulate (although early they are able to control it), and the egg and the sperm are able to connect. The bad news is my eggs were missing key components developed in stage 3 of maturity. Stage 4 is fertilization. Stage 3 happens just before ovulation and is pivital to their health.  This makes sense. I stimulate well. Meaning, I can produce lots of follicles with eggs. However, because they do not have these attributes of Stage 3, they have diagnosed me with an unofficial name of a metabolic ovulation disorder.

It is extremely rare. Shocker.

They do not know how to fix it. Frustrating.

My doctor is dedicating to researching it and getting back with me. Great. (said in non-emotional voice)

I called Travis and told him.  I asked how he felt about it and he said 'numb.'  I probably feel that too. My tears, our tears, this weekend were for not getting pregnant this cycle, going through all the efforts again, to get devastating news, and having a more complicated and possibly hopeless problem we did not see coming.  The news today did not change that.

We have a meeting with the IVF doctor and the lead embryologist on Wednesday at 11 a.m.

We will see pictures of my eggs, get more clinical information on what happened, and hear them explain all over again how they have never seen it before bla bla bla.

My doctor told me not to expect them to have answers as to why or how to fix it.  That will take time.

In speaking with my friend Rachel today, I am going to take her advice and get the report in writing.  Then, contact a well-known clinic in Colorado who deals with the rare cases and see what they suggest.

I am dealing with a local clinic.  Although I appreciate her tenacity and compassion my doctor can only know so much. Going to a place like the 'Mayo' of infertility in Colorado, may give us more answers.

Do you know what I am thinking?  How sucky the holidays are going to be.  How we are going to pass those marks again of 'next year we thought we would be pregnant by now.' Sad.  Should be used to it now.

I say this in the nicest way possible.  Giving plenty of notice for Thanksgiving and Christmas which look like will be very difficult.  You may want us to cheer up around the holidays.  Realizing you have our best intentions in mind and you love us very much!

I honestly have no idea what we will be doing for the holidays. Whether it will be with family or not.  You may have dealt with it differently if you were in my shoes. Thank God you are not in my shoes.  I don't know what we are planning for the holidays but whatever it is, be okay with it.  If you are not okay with it, remind yourself that we are dealing the best way we know how then respect our decision.  It may completely differ from how you would or how you want us to but that's okay.

The update:

Stop all meds (yay)
Wait to get my period.
Put the Nuvaring (birth control) in on Day 3 and leave in for 3 weeks.
Wait to see what information we/my doctor has gathered by then and make a decision.

We do not have the depth it requires of our feelings to fully morn the news we received today.

We are still in shock. Dumbfounded that we are here again.

My doctor called me while we were driving on our way back to Miami.  She wanted us to visit the office so she could review our medications but that was just a cover to get us to call back. We did. She apologized for not saying what she has to say in person but since we were on the road she would have to.  I did not brace myself for the news because we conquered ovulating early, 24 eggs were retrieved so what could be so bad? A lot apparently.

I had her on speaker. Travis was driving.

All 24 of my eggs were low quality.

They collapsed while in the lab except two.  Two were fertilized by putting the egg with a bunch of sperm. The boarder of these two eggs were so weak, 2 and 3 sperm fertilized it.  Obviously you know it is only supposed to be one sperm at a time.

I could not believe, literally, what she was explaining. The two eggs that fertilized are being kept in the lab because there is a slight chance, 1% to be exact of what the doctor told me the could grow.  She said it would take a miracle for those to mature enough by Day 5 to be implanted. She was clear that this was not a hopeful circumstance. I should consider it a complete loss and move forward.  However, she wants me to stay on the meds until they know for sure.

I hung up. Cried and cried. Then Travis. We almost had to pull over because we were both sobbing.  I began singing 'Great is Thy Faithfulness.'  Are we going to trust God in this?  Are we going to invite him into our pain? Yes. When this is all over, we are confident we will see God's faithfulness.

Right now we need time to morn this loss. Again, a rarity in women my age to ovulate early and have such low egg quality. The embryologist said it looked like eggs from a woman who had chemotherapy, which I have not.  No answers as to why although a perfectly good reason why we have not been able to get pregnant before.

We are in shock. Completely devastated. We really thought this was going to be it!  Not only was it not it, it brought up more complications we will have to face in the future.

I just want a baby.

I can feel God's presence today, even through processing the news.  So many people have said they are praying for us today.

Here's the update:
Continue post egg retrieval drugs until Monday or Tuesday.
On Monday or Tuesday we will find out if the two fertilized eggs have matured to a healthy state.
If yes, then we head over for the implant.
If no, then we meet with my doctor and the lead embryologist to discuss trying again. What that will mean?  What are our chances of having a successful cycle and healthy baby?

Right now, we are heartbroken.  The best case scenario would be for those embryos to grow and we could move on.  Starting all over again for the third time is more than we can imagine.

Not even sure we know how to process this information. I'm tired. Travis is tired. We are heartbroken.

Thank you for your prayers.

Kindof in a state of shock. Probably the anesthesia talking, because I did not remember most of it and everything is a bit foggy still.
We arrived last night at my dad's house at 9:30 p.m. Drank as much Gatorade as I could to stay hydrated then went to bed.  The egg retrieval appointment was at 10 a.m.  We arrived there early and they still had us waiting for almost 30 minutes to bring us back.  Once there, the nurse started an IV, my doctor stopped by to say hello and then we spoke with the anesthesia doctor. Speaking with him was the most stressful part. He didn't believe me that I needed anti-nausea medicine at the beginning and refused to give it me.  Fortunately, I woke up without any nausea. If I had, the doctor better have run far.  It was funny. The nurse was trying to convince him as well. When he refused to budge on the issue, she bent down and said, if you feel nausea just aim at him!

Laying back in the chair, thinking of happy thoughts as I was instructed, I thought about the baby we would have from this, my wonderful husband Travis, and my adorable doggy, Ben.  Next thing I knew I was barely awake answering to my name being called.  My doctor was in the room and delivered the news that she had retrieved 24 eggs!  What a relief!

Getting prepped.

This is a picture with my doctor that I like so much!  I had to call her later tonight to clarify some of the medicine doses and she made a point to say, "I'm praying for your embryos tonight!"  How nice is that?

You see, on Tuesday, my numbers had climbed. From a progesterone level of .98 to 4.8. Anything over 5 is a danger zone for ovulating early.  Although my doctor would have liked me to stimulate another day to get the follicles in that 18-21 range, she didn't want to risk what happened last time. Thankful for that!

What she said next, nearly took our breath away.  "Lauren, because your body pushes through and ovulates early, this could be the very reason for your 'unexplained infertility.' My eggs had not fully matured, yet my body was going to ovulate anyways." Wow.

All the doctor's appointments in the last 6 years never tested for this. Their main concern is do I ovulate. Yes, I do. But without going through IVF, we never would have discovered this pre-mature ovulation.

This morning I had some stomach cramping which scared me because at any moment I could have ovulated. The biggest relief was hearing that I had not yet ovulated and she was able to retrieve all the eggs.

Look at my sexy outfit.

We went in at 9:20 a.m. and came back home at around 12:30 p.m.

Came home. Showered and went to sleep for about 6 hours.  Still cramping a bit in my stomach and a little dizzy but overall we are so excited! The hardest part is behind us. The embryo transfer will be the next big  phase but it does not involve anesthesia. So yay!

I have a bag of prescription medicine that I will begin tomorrow. Antibiotics, steroids, anti nausea medicine, and the list goes on. One of them has to be taken every 6 hours till at least Sunday; 6 p.m., midnight, 6 a.m., noon. So much for taking it too easy.

Thank you for all your texts, voice mails and prayers!   More to come!  Right now, as I take it a day at a time, it feels better not to have schedule my time around shots, bloodwork and every other day appointments. I get five days to just chill.  Praying that those embryos grow strong.

Looking forward to it!

Well the water is boiling! Got my wish!

This morning went in for bloodwork and ultrasound. Call from the doctor at around 4:30 p.m. to tell me we are moving forward full steam ahead!
My estrogen level went up to 1,980 and progesterone to .96 which means it is time for the trigger shot.  As she told me at this morning's appointment she would like to wait one more day.  But, after receiving these numbers she does not want to chance it for me ovulating through again.  Neither do I!
So, tonight, we will do the normal three shots at 6:30 p.m., then my friend Missy will give me the trigger shot at precisely 11 p.m. tonight as prescribed.  This is the big honking needle at the top of my butt/lower back that tells my body to drop the eggs into the follicle.
Thank you, Nicole and Missy!

In between, I will be meeting up with Travis at our friend Janine and TJ's house to introduce Ben to their home.  He has been there before but it was over a year ago.  They have graciously agreed to watch Ben for us! They have three children and another dog so Ben will have lots of love!  One less thing for me to think about while in Miami.

I am supposed to be calm and stay as relaxed as possible. No stress.  That has not happened yet. I have a million things swirling through my head. What I need to get done for work before I leave, things to pack, things to remember, and trying not to be scared that I will ovulate again. Because IB Profin is a blood thinner, I am not allowed to take anymore.  So, I'm worried I will have another sleepless night. I woke up at 2 a.m. in near tears with the pain. I don't know why it is hurting this badly!  It's the last thing I need right now.

So, trigger shot tonight, work regular day tomorrow, leave for Miami tomorrow night, egg retrieval scheduled for 9 a.m. on Thursday. On bed rest till Friday morning.  Drive home Friday.  Go back on Sunday for the embryo transfer! That's the exciting part! They put a live embryo in my uterine lining. On bed rest until Monday. Come back Monday afternoon. Go back to work on Tuesday.

I am going to try and surround myself with relaxing things. No stress. Trusting in God and having his peace in this time. I know he reserved it for me and I need to walk in it.

Thankful for my dad and Maria to let me stay at their house in Miami. Thankful for all the prayers and love from everyone!  More to come!

So many forms of tired!

I have not slept in at least three days. My right shoulder has been hurting so badly, it keeps me up at night.  Around 3 a.m. I wake up and it is throbbing. This morning I had an appointment with the doctor who performed my shoulder surgeries.  After telling him what was going on he decided to give me a cortisone shot.  Why not? Another shot. Ah!

Within five minutes, it felt so much better. Hoping I will sleep tonight. 

After that appointment, I ran over to the physical therapy center and turned in his prescription for 4-6 weeks of PT.  Still had some time before my IVF appointment, so I went and got a smoothie from Planet Smoothie with extra soy protein. Went to my IVF appointment, blood, ultrasound, and it looks good.  Good but not good enough to start the trigger shot.  Yes, I knew this was coming. Extra days of stimulation because of the Ganorelix which slows things down.  But, after ten days of stimulation, I am so ready to be done. 

I feel antsy. Annoyed. Agitated. Antsy. Tired. Tired. 

Every night we take these shots and I get a deep throbbing headache about an hour after that lasts deep into the night as a known side effect. Pray for Travis! That's all he hears when he gets home. How uncomfortable I feel!  I try to be conscious of it because I am sure it wears on him too.

So, to tell me I have at least 2-3 more days of this seems like eternity!  The days are so long!

Appointment in the morning, blood work results in the late afternoon, adjust medicine as needed and repeat. Waiting for the numbers to be good enough to take the trigger shot, wait another 36 hours, then move to Phase 2 - egg retrieval.  The part we didn't get to last time!

I am ready for Phase 1 to be done.  Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, hurry up and get here already!

Update:

13 follicles on my right and 9 on my left. Average size is 15 mm.  Optimal size with mature eggs is 18-22.  See how far away I am? Rhetorical question. Sigh.

Estrogen level on Saturday was 1,060.  Estrogen level today was only 1,465. We were hoping for 2,000. Thank you Ganorelix.  Optimal levels would be 2,100-3,100.

Must give big kudos to my boss, Amanda. She knows what we're going through since I have appointments every other day!  She has been very kind. Especially today. I emailed her and see if she would be available to cover orientation this week or we could move it to next week?  She said she would re-arrange some meetings to "do whatever she could for baby Turner."  Reading those words "baby Turner" made me tear up!

That is the core of what we are doing. Whatever it takes for baby Turner!

This whole process is very sterile, precise, and clinical.  The baby part seems very very very far off. One day at a time has a whole new meaning these days.  The days are long and involved with IVF either at the moment or in the back of my brain.  As Ms. Marlene used to say (insert strong Jamaican accent here) 'don'tcha know a watch pot never boil?'  Ms. Marlene that is exactly how I feel! We need to add some salt to this pot so it boils more quickly!

My next appointment is tomorrow morning. My appointments are everyday now so they can keep a close eye on the progress. 

More to come then...

Yesterday and today, I have been daydreaming.  Looking backwards from the future.

To look back on this difficult time. With Travis and I, parents, looking back on the hard time of infertility, IUI's, and IVF's.  When I see a couple our age with a baby I think, they may have gone through infertility.  There is a forever soft spot in my heart for people who have gone through what we have. 

It is a fact. Three out of 10 couples are experiencing or have experienced infertility. That's a lot. I wish more people were sensitive to that fact.  Yesterday, I spoke to a woman, who through association of mutual friends, knew we were trying.  For some reason, she felt the need to tell me of a friend she had who tried and tried and never could get pregnant. Finally, she relaxed and got pregnant at 42.  I snapped back at her, 'Well, we've been trying for 6 years and I can tell you there have been moments of relaxation (how rude for you to bring it up!). We are being treated medically by a professional.' Stupid woman! I didn't say the rude or stupid part but I felt like it.  

I will never again ask a couple I just met if they have kids.  Trust me. If they have children, it will be mentioned in only a matter of time in conversation. The pain it causes to ask the question to a couple going through infertility is not worth it!

I will never give advice to parents because I have not been one.  Neither should someone who has never been where I have give ridiculous advice. Relax?  You relax. 

The sting of those words makes me angry. I should have said, "Please let this be the last time you tell this story to someone who is going through infertility. It is not about being relaxed.  Medically speaking, being relaxed has nothing to do with it.  If you want to say anything just say I am sorry to hear that. I am praying for you."  Thinking of something better to say always happens to me after the fact!

As you can tell, I have not gotten to the place of letting people's ignorance slide by and just give them the benefit of the doubt for trying to help.  Obviously they have told other people which is evident by the sheer enthusiasm they tell their unsolicited advice.  Someone needs to stop them!  In a nice way of course.  "You may not be aware but what you are saying is just plain mean!"

That didn't sound so nice. I'll work on it. 

In the meantime, lady, deep breath, I forgive you for your ignorance. I forgive you and all the future people who will say stupid things to come. Lord knows I have said things I regret.  God give me the right words to say in response.  Something better than the above. 

Here's the update:

Good numbers today! We are getting to some meaty stuff now.  12 follicles on the right. 10 on the left. Ranging in size from 5 - 11 mm.  The average size was 8 mm. They are growing strong and steady.  Tonight we start the 3rd shot which slows their growth down.  This is different from the last time because we are starting this sooner to keep a steady eye on their progression.
Still taking the Pregnitude morning and night and now three shots given by Nicole at our usual time of 6:30 p.m.

Doctor's appointment on Saturday for more blood work and another ultrasound.  We are on day 6 of stimulation.  10 - 12 days is what we expect. More to come. 

This time feels different. It's probably all in my head. The shots hurt more. Sting more. The whole thing hurts more than last time. The IVF fits more into my normal this time than something extraordinary.

The ultrasound and blood work went good today.  There is some blood in my uterine lining that will probably dry up by Thursday's appointment and both ovaries have 3 - 4 small 4mm follicles.  It is a good thing that they are both even. It is still really early and at this stage and we want small follicles so they grow slow and steady.

I will feel more excited later. When we get past where we were last time. Right now it feels 'eh. Deep sigh. The process. Pregnitude in the morning. Pregnitude in the evening. Stimulation shots at 6:30 p.m. Repeat.

If I could be so liberal to diagnose my own feelings it would sound like this;  because there is not a newness to balance out the 'ouch' from the shots, 'ouch' from the blood work and repetitiveness of the doctor's appointments I am feeling blah. That's my sophisticated and professional opinion!

It will get better. Probably the hormones talking. This is my blog and I get to write what I want.

To quote my doctor today, 'We are hoping for good news from here on out.'  Today was good news. My left ovary was completely healed up. No empty follicles.  A few new tiny (5 mm) follicles in both ovaries but that is normal. When I heard the news it took me a while to be feel happy about it. Even now, I am not reeling with enthusiasm for the weeks ahead.  Must be emotional depleatedness. Yes, I made that up. It means emotionally tired.

Most likely the bloodwork taken today will come back normal (looking for low estrogen levels) so we are planning on starting tomorrow.  The shots were ordered today and will be overnighted to get it in time for tomorrow evening; Day 1 of stimulation.  Kinda cool that it will be starting on September 1st. Makes it easier to count stimulation days. A minor thing.  But it made me smile as I noticed it when we were reviewing the calendar.  Speaking of the calendar.

So here it is. Here we are again. Getting the green light to try again. And try again we shall. 

"The sun will come out tomorrow. Betchyour bottom dollar that tomorrow they'll be sun. Just thinking about tomorrow clears away the (something) and the sorrow 'till there's none. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. I love you tomorrow you're only a day away."

This is the opposite of how I'm feeling. I am dreading tomorrow. I should be happy but I'm nervous. 

Started my period today. Now we start counting. 

Day 1. 

Called it in to the doctor's office. 

Tomorrow, I go in for another ultrasound to see how much smaller those two pesty empty follicles have shrunk.  

Talking with my doctor tonight, expressing her 'in my professional opinion' scenario, she wants to wait to move on until my left ovary is completely healed; no empty follicles at all. Wow. That is a tall order. A little over a week ago we were at 25%, now she wants 0% moving forward.  

The question in mind is what I focused on in my previous blog. Is it worth it to wait? Probably not since I have a very strong reaction to stimulation and the 5,7, or 10% of real estate being taken up by empty follicles  is going to be a non-issue. 

So we wait until tomorrow to see how things look. Did they shrink? How much did they shrink? Are we ready?  God is going to have to give me a lot of peace if they have not shrunk and they want me to do another round of birth control. In case you have lost count, that's 3 rounds of 3 weeks of birth control. No thank you! 

The worst part? The not so nice nurse will be doing the ultrasound and bloodwork because my doctor will be in surgery. Sucky!  However, my doctor is still going to call me to give her opinion of the ultrasound images.  

More to come. Tomorrow. 

All day at work, both Travis and I felt the same.  When will 2 o'clock arrive?

We met at the doctor's office.  I was already in ultrasound when he arrived.  My right ovary looked good, it did last time. Perfect timing for Travis to walk in while she was just about to look at the left ovary. I needed his support. 

Two large empty follicles remained on the left side.

The doctor left the room for me to get dressed and meet her back in her office to review the options. The anxiety I had felt leading up to this appointment! Two rounds of the Nuvaring, 7 weeks leading up to find out if we could move forward or have to wait longer. To discover it was still not primed, I could not hold back the tears. Okay, got that out. 

Sat in the doctor's office and she gave us two choices. Neither sat right with us. 

The weight of the decision felt physically heavy. So unclear.  Should we take the steps to make things look as good as possible and then try? Or move forward with about 12% less room in my ovaries for new follicle growth? Is it that much of a risk since I stimulated so well last time? Which is choice is better? Will we regret  one choice over the other?

She stepped out to consult with the nurse. While she was gone, I took the opportunity to cry again. Okay, got that out.

The doctor came back in with a third option; leaving the Nuvaring in for another week, taking it out, having my period, and then coming back for a baseline ultrasound. By then, the two empty follicles should have shrunk to a more manageable size.  As soon as it was presented, Travis and I both felt a peace. Not just peace but joy. It does not include additional medication and we are not settling. 

As our doctor walked us out, I turned around and hugged her.  She is so sweet.  She looked at me right in the eyes and said, 'It's gonna work this time. You are going to get pregnant.' I never get tired of hearing her say that. It's her job. I get it.  But she means it in her eyes and she says it with much compassion. That's what I love about her.  She treats me as an individual, works the best plan for us, and really cares.

Travis and I left much lighter than we went in.  So much so, we played hooky for the rest of the day from work (Travis' idea mom! he he he), came back home, swam in our pool (the pool we rarely use!), taught Ben to walk in to the first step of the pool, gave him a bath, and then headed to one of our favorite places, church. 

We have a plan.  The plan looks and feels good. The egg retrieval and implant will take place the end of September as all goes well. We would know before our 8th wedding anniversary on October 10th that we are pregnant. What a great way to spend our anniversary! One day at a time, Lauren.

Interesting how sometimes it hurts too much to look beyond today, and other days I want them to hurry up and come.  It's the process. That's life sometimes. Please don't judge me. 

A calendar, like last time will be posted once dates are more firm. 

Thank you for all the love and prayers!

Today is Saturday.  Saturday is a day when things slow down for me.  I have time to reflect, think, and process.  Lately they have been days sitting at my piano, singing, worshiping, and wishing my skills on the keys matched what I wanted to play.  For now, it is still a good outlet.  I walk by that spot every day and never touch the keys.  Something about Saturdays.  Time. Not being rushed and just sitting down and playing whatever I know how to play.  It is a steadiness I can always come back to; not to be shared in public but just between me, God, and sometimes Ben when he is perched on the stairs.

Friends ask how I am feeling. Emotional. Unbalanced some days. What does normal Lauren feel like?  I miss her. It seems like forever since I have been 'clean' from some kind of medication, stimulation, or hormone. Is it the hormones speaking or the heaviness of this process or both?

I am confident Travis is ready for normal Lauren to come back too. I am convinced the most important three words in marriage is not 'I love you' but 'I am sorry.'  It makes me sad that I am not more steady for him. If you think about it, the past 6 years of our marriage have been a struggle with this thing.  Just me and him. Routine. Too many tears and that makes me sad to think about.  For him and for us. It has stolen from us. Lately, my prayers to God have been simple and honest. More childlike than ever before. I don't know what I'm doing. I need your help. Thank you. 

Yet, in the midst of this, somehow He is using me.  The lead that has been given to me on my worship team for the 'Revelation Song' could not have come at a better time.  In the waiting, I can practice on exalting him and leading others.  There is nothing better. It is so amazing leading people into the presence of God. He shows up every time.  I am humbled He is using me in my mess!  That's how He does it. 

Here's the update:

Our next appointment is on Wednesday at 2 p.m. It is for an ultrasound to see if the follicles have shrunk down.  The goal is to have both ovaries with less than 7% full of old follicles.  If they are we will move forward, take out the Nuvaring, have my period, and on day 10 (ish), I will start the stimulation. If not, my doctor will put me on a medication to further calm my ovaries. The reason she did not put me on it this time is because the effects take longer to clear, meaning it can further lengthen the stimulation portion (shots and meds).  

The first part of July was when the transfer was to take place now we are looking at October possibly. It is a long time when you add six years of waiting to the front of it.  

Not poor me.  It's just temporary.  Seeing long term is too difficult today. I am living in today. Right now. Right now I'm on birth control still and am waiting for my next doctor's appointment. 

Not what we wanted to hear!
My ovaries have not quieted down enough. So much so that I need to continue with a new NuvaRing (birth control) for 3 weeks. Ugh! What? No! That sucks.

Not only that but after the three weeks, take it out, have a period, call in my 'Cycle Day 1' to the office, wait five days, have our consult appointment, ten days after that, start stimulation. So we're looking at the middle-end part of September for stimulation. End of September, first week of October for retrieval and implant.

Here are the facts:
My right ovary is still about 1/4 full of follicles.
My left ovary is 3/4 full of follicles.
Birth control stops the growth of new follicles.
The only thing that shrinks the old follicles is time.
If we did IVF right now, new follicles would grow, but only so many and only as big as there is room for; so having old follicles take up so much room is no good.

More waiting.

We really thought we would get a green light this appointment.  We needed to move on. Staring at each other waiting for the next phase of this thing is getting old. Sad.

Laying on the table, looking at the monitor reminded me of what a great cycle I had last time and it really bummed me out all over again that I ovulated early. Everything looked perfect.

Now I have to take the anti-nausea medicine again that makes me super sleepy on top of cold medicine because I am still feeling sick. Listen, I am not happy about any of this!

I am not in the mood to be cheered up right now. I just need a moment to be bummed and upset.  This journal entry today is me venting and that's okay because I need to process.

To see God in the middle of the waiting. Not to waste this time complaining. Tomorrow will be better.

Tomorrow is the day!  Well, not THE day but A day.  We have an appointment to go in at 2 p.m.  This is the ultrasound/consult combo appointment. Hoping the ultrasound will show calm ovaries. I will be bringing all my left over drugs so the nurse can get a better knowledge of what needs to be ordered this round.

As you may have seen on Facebook, I have been under the weather big time. My head is full of pressure. My nose is running like a faucet. I have a nose like Rudolf to prove it.  And my throat, although not scratchy, it is definitely in the manly tone and feels tired if I use it for any length of time. This is not good timing! Practice is on Thursday and I wanted to be able to practice for the new song.  If I try to do it now, I could ruin the chances for a good practice but if I don't then I won't be as prepared as I would like.  Listening to the song over and over only goes so far.  Just believing that each day I will get better and I am trying to take it easy.

Yesterday I stayed home from work. Today, I left work early to come home and rest. Although Ben's idea of resting was more 'on me' than 'with me' so I didn't get that much out of it. He's so cute and his snoring is too comical I cannot be mad at him. Just look at his little face!

Getting the official dates and plan tomorrow will make things feel more real. Right now we still have more waiting.  Even if everything goes well, we would still have about another 10 days before stimulation. So, we wait. I'm not liking all this waiting. We have done so much with nothing to show for it and still we have to wait even more. It makes me think of how much waiting is involved in adoption. Couples can wait years. Agonizing months and years. So I guess in comparison it is not that bad. Let's not pray for patience. That's never fun. Let's pray for trust! Trusting that although it seems like forever, it's really not.

Our IVF consult appointment got pushed back till next week. By me. On purpose. To save time. Rather than go in twice; once for the consult and the next for the baseline ultrasound, I pushed it back a week to combine them into one.  So, Wednesday, August 1st we will go back and get the plan for what's coming up next.

Hoping that my ovaries have quieted down to normal so we can begin without delay. 

How am I feeling?

My feelings are all over the place.

A person I work with stopped by last week to tell me someone we both know is expecting a baby and how 'I would be next.' My office had two other people in it, and it was just not the right time. I smiled and 'shelved it.' Then, as I was riding home and reviewing my day in my head I started to cry. Ugh. I am happy for her. I know it will be me. But I wish it was me now. 

I remember doing our first IUI and of course, mapping out, if it worked, when we would be due.  Then, we found out it didn't work the same time a woman at our church, about my age, announced she was expecting. I was happy for her.  It stung though seeing her pregnancy mature and knowing that I thought, hoped I would be at the same stage.  That was over two years ago.  

This girl that me and this guy from work both know, got pregnant the same time we would have been at if this past IVF had worked.  It seems obvious that other people, especially around my same age of child-bearing years, will get pregnant routinely and I should expect it.  I guess I don't because it jolts me in the pit of stomach every time. 

This past week, at choir practice for which I am the director, one of our members brought up a coke on stage. I asked her kindly to remove it and she said 'she needed it because could not stand the taste of her own saliva.' I got the hint then celebrated with her that she was expecting her third child. It would be the only courteous thing to do, as the director, to announce it to the group as she permitted me.  When I got up, I said that 'she was expecting!'  Everything became a blur as everyone turned toward her and let out a squeal of some kind except the ones who know of our pain. 

They looked back at me. Their eyes telling me they were proud of me. 

Later in practice as I was speaking of God's faithfulness and expressing it in a particular song, I just about lost it. I could have broken down in the ugly cry right then.  Giving the announcement, then singing about God's promises just about broke me down. Not in a sad way. Just in a 'He is carrying Travis and I through this' kind of way.  

I feel anxious.  Touchy.  Emotional.  I really want to hear my Nana's voice telling me 'I'm praying for you honey.  I want you to know I pray for you every morning.'  I hope she still is bringing me up before God in heaven because we need it.  

We are not doing a whole lot right now except waiting which is why I feel so anxious.  God loves me through my anxiousness and that is just surface feelings.  The root is I believe and will always worship God because He is good and has good plans for us. So good, that all this pain will be a distant memory.

The past couple of weeks have been spent adjusting in our minds for the reality of starting over again, embracing the support from our friends and family, and making adjustments to once again celebrate this journey.  The shock and sadness has faded and in its place are attempts to make this time a little more fun. Now we know a bit more of what to expect and change things up a bit. What that exactly entails, we are not completely sure.  For one thing, we know the stimulation period we be longer. To ensure that I do not ovulate early again (highly unlikely but not going to take any chances), my doctor is planning on slowing the follicle growth down and getting blood work to show any signs of early ovulation.

Normally the follicles grow 1 - 2 mm a day and the stimulation lasts about 10 days.  To keep a closer eye on things, she will be growing them at a slower rate which means more doctor's appointments and a longer length of shots.  Good thing Nicole is up for it!

In one of our conversations, Travis and I agreed that if our doctor had said, 'Look. This is what it is going to take to get pregnant,' yes we would still do it. Expecting one thing and it not happening is definitely disappointing but in the long run has not changed our passion and desire to conceive and deliver a healthy and full-term baby!

My cycle started last Sunday and I put in the Nuvaring on Tuesday (Day 3) as planned. It will be kept in for 3 - 4 weeks.  Fortunately, I was able to get a prescription for anti-nausea medicine which was able to keep the nausea at bay.   The first days of the Nuvaring are the strongest and have passed with a minor side affect of drowsiness. Several times I could have put my head on my desk and fallen asleep but that part has passed. Thankful I did not get too nauseas this time. That was a blessing.

 Not this week, but next, we have our IVF consult appointment to review the plan, order the drugs, and set up the appointments for the next 3 - 4 weeks.  The egg retrieval is planned for the end of August/beginning of September and the embryo transfer will be in September.  This would give us a delivery date in May 2013.

Still taking it one day at a time which is all we can do right now. Believing that God is faithful and is taking us from glory to glory.

Never in our infertility journey have we felt so much love and support!

It started with the Nicole coming over to my house shortly after getting off the phone with me, with her two girls in tow and a bouquet of flowers.  What meant more though, was seeing her in her large round sunglasses crying and giving me a long heart felt hug that said she was in this with me.  We shared few words but her being there at that moment with such a force of love, friendship, and set the pace for healing. That moment will forever be in my memory and close to my heart!  Thank you Nicole.

Then calls, texts, messages from long distance loved ones confirming in their own way that they were sorry to hear of the news and expressed love for us.

At worship practice and church from those who knew coming up and just giving us a hug or asking the weighted question of how we were doing, knowing what they meant and offering love meant so much.  Instead of dreading to see people and inform them of the news, this blog has taken that burden off of us and in turn that fear is gone.  Friends and family already know and pour on the love and understanding. What a blessing this is!

Then, this week on Monday, my mother-in-law Terry asked if she could take me to lunch. A little nervous because I knew what we were going to talk about but she was so kind and gracious.  We sat outside a little sandwich place within walking distance from the hospital and talked about this and that. She asked about going over to Miami and seeing my family. Then she looked at me with tear filled eyes and told me that her and Tommy had been up at nights thinking about Travis and I and how heavy their hearts were for the process we were going through and praying for us. When I looked at her again, the tears were streaming from her eyes.  I reached over and took her hand with tears in my eyes thanking her for sharing that with me and for praying for us.  We knew they loved us and followed our online journal. To hear that so deeply moved me.  Thank you, Terry and Tommy!

Thank you mom as the first text I got and sharing in our moment.  Thank you for your powerful prayers.
Thank you dad for the big hug. I treasure them. 

Thank you Maria for sharing and helping us to look to the future. 

Thank you Maria (Naples). You have such a way with words to bring comfort, faith and love every time.  

Thank you Chelle for reaching out to us and caring so much. 

Thank you Hill for your beautiful message. Your words feel like a hug every time.

Thank you Rach for offering advice and understanding.

Thank you Yulia for your kind message, understanding, and regularly checking in on us. 

Thank you Susan for your lovely message. You said a lot of good things that will stick with us. 

Thank you Wendi for understanding and offering hope like no one but Jesus can.

Thank you Jill for the loving hug at practice. It overwhelmed me (in a good way). I am so glad you did.

Thank you Dana for lifting us up and always being available to listen. 

Thank you Tiffany (East coast) for always being a safe place. 

Thank you Sharon for listening so well. 

Thank you Fredeen's for the hugs and phone calls to Travis. 

Thank you Tiffany (Naples) for being there and loving Travis.

As we go through something so personal, to see the ones we love take it just as personal is very comforting. You are not just passing by or only showing up for the happy moments.  You are there in the messy times and willing to share which brings us together more closely in the end.  

Travis and I do not worry if God is with us. We know He is. This week, as I read over the people I listed, we are even more comforted to know that you are with us too! Thank you. Thank you for caring. Thank you for loving on us so well!

Lots of love,

Lauren